Soul Fight or Flight: Vulnerability

I can pretend to be strong, but I can also embrace my weakness. Sometimes. Below is an online dictionary's definition of "fight-or-flight reaction":

fight-or-flight response. Dictionary.com. Dictionary.com Unabridged. Random House, Inc. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/fight-or-flight-response (accessed: February 24, 2016). 


Such a reaction is intrinsic in humans for survival. Today, however, this intrinsic reaction translates differently, as our world is no longer threatening us with the same things (i.e. saber tooth tigers back then vs. arguments today, mentioned in link below). I've been recently wanting to apply this term to my inner world, to the survival of my psyche. (Oooo, so spiritual....*wiggles fingers like magic*). But on a serious note, I'm not the first to do so. A quick Google search led me here, to this page on one person's view of the "fight-or-flight response." This quote stuck out to me the most:

"In most cases today, once our fight or flight response is activated, we cannot flee. We cannot fight. We cannot physically run from our perceived threats. When we are faced with modern day, saber tooth tigers, we have to sit in our office and "control ourselves." We have to sit in traffic and "deal with it." We have to wait until the bank opens to "handle" the bounced check. In short, many of the major stresses today trigger the full activation of our fight or flight response, causing us to become aggressive, hypervigilant and over-reactive."

As I'm trying to work this out in my brain, and as I parallel all of this to my "soul," it seems to be all the same and connected. When my inner world feels threatened, my soul prepares itself to fight or flee. Really though, I've been fighting to flee. Vulnerability. Let's pop in more to read, this time synonyms of vulnerable:

vulnerable. Thesaurus.com. Roget's 21st Century Thesaurus, Third Edition. Philip Lief Group 2009.http://www.thesaurus.com/browse/vulnerable (accessed: February 24, 2016).

BOOM. Exposed, unsafe, weak, susceptible, naked, tender, out on a limb, unguarded, wide open. Feel that shiver down your spine? Yeah, me too. When I am feeling vulnerable or when I am at a crossroads and choosing vulnerability is one of the options, I run the opposite direction faster than light. I'm a runner. I don't even know what it's like to fight through vulnerability, or if that's even the better option, or whatever. I just flee. Bye Felicia on that shit.

So here I am blogging about it. Because I know I'm not alone. And I know I can't run forever. To put how I feel into other words, this song may help do the trick:

Scarlet by Brooke Fraser (It was interesting to look up other people's ideas of song meanings. Whether or not there is an explicitly laid out song meaning, here is mine):

Middle of nowhere / Finally you can breathe / Nobody knows your name / It's easier

This is one of the best feelings of running away. When I'm far, I can breathe and remain unknown. And yes, it's quite easier. So easy to run.

Shut your eyes tightly / Clench your fists 'til they almost bleed / Cautiously, lightly / Gently expose what's underneath

But even when I'm far away and in hiding, I'm still not free from my vulnerability. It follows me, never letting go until I give it attention. I get angry at the feelings of vulnerability. I fight. Clench my fists. Yet it does not remain hidden to me.

And all you feel now / Is the scarlet in the day / Even if it's real / You can't stay...

For me, at this moment, the scarlet in the day is the truth of pain. The truth that I can't stay the same as I always have been, at least in the sense that I don't want to. And so, even if this scarlet feeling of vulnerability is real, I can't stay here. I have to move out of it.

[Chorus] So there you go / You're gone for good/ There you go / You're gone for good

So there I go. I'm gone for good. To me this means I've chosen whether or not to take my weaknesses head on. I can be gone for good, as in I'm choosing to stay hidden. Not tell anyone. Repress the pain and weakness. Or I can be gone for good from being hidden. I can finally leave my hiding place and open up to the world. To someone besides myself. At this point, it's my choice.

Your mind is swollen / From months of thought without release / They've taken their toll on you / And this very moment / Of timid and fragile honesty / Is precious and rare and fleeting

Talk about a great verse. I'm at a breaking point now. Timid and fragile honesty...so precious and rare and...the window for addressing it can be very small sometimes. I'm freaking out. What do I do. Be weak. Hide my weakness. Shit.

And all you feel now / Is the scarlet in the day / And even if it's real / You can't stay...

Thing is, I really can't stay here. I either have to hide away again or I have to open up. Choices. Shit. 

At this point, I'm reminded of this line in a letter within a book:

"Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed." -James 5:16a

I don't know the surrounding context of this line. I don't know all the implications. I don't know what exactly the therefore is drawing from. But I'm struck with the idea that healing involves community. The choice now becomes whether or not to enter into community with each conscious awareness of vulnerability. I'm starting to see that the feelings of vulnerability as experienced within a healthy community can lead to the antonyms of the word - strong, protected, safe. Perhaps they can even happen side by side, feeling safe in my weakness. But most certainly not alone.

One last quote to top this off, from the article I linked above:

"By recognizing the symptoms and signs of being in fight or flight, we can begin to take steps to handle the stress overload. There are benefits to being in fight or flight—even when the threat is only psychological rather than physical. For example, in times of emotional jeopardy, the fight or flight response can sharpen our mental acuity, thereby helping us deal decisively with issues, moving us to action. But it can also make us hypervigilant and over-reactive during times when a state of calm awareness is more productive. By learning to recognize the signals of fight or flight activation, we can avoid reacting excessively to events and fears that are not life threatening. In so doing, we can play "emotional judo" with our fight or flight response, "using" its energy to help us rather than harm us. We can borrow the beneficial effects (heightened awareness, mental acuity and the ability to tolerate excess pain) in order to change our emotional environment and deal productively with our fears, thoughts and potential dangers." 

Enough said. It's time to play emotional judo. Woooooooooooo. 

[Insert super deep quote here] (But really, tells self to get off my butt and start opening up) Weak is the new tough.

Landslide, Ice Cream, and Change

I'm so humbled to be a part of Baylor's Cross Cultural Ministry where they emphasize religious literacy and cultural humility in our changing world. What a swell group of people to learn from and be challenged by! After meeting some new friends who are Chinese at our gathering yesterday, I was reminded of a friend from my undergraduate university, a Chinese student who chose his English name as "Icecream." Icecream is audacious, humorous, and perhaps very wise.

About a year ago, I was at a dinner with Icecream. I remember it like a fog, where only the immediate lines on the road mark the way. I was in a very different place in life then than I am now. At that dinner, Icecream interpreted my vaguely-explained inner turmoil as so:

"I feel your brain is like Google maps. My brain is like Snapchat."

Regardless of what this could mean, it was quite an accurate snapshot of my situation at the time. I remember laughing and being grateful to laugh in that moment. A white line. And he was so right. My brain was not only Google maps, but a highly dysfunctional version that hadn't processed all the detours of reality, nor the consequential traffic of my most recent actions, nor the new roads being built.

I am appreciative of his candid Snapchat brain, even to this day, as it serves as still another white line guiding me along. Because through recalling that conversation, I have been able to re-enter that time in my past and begin to actively process all that had happened. 'Tis a slow journey, indeed.

I'm not afraid to plow through my past. At least, that's what I keep telling myself. But this Stevie Nicks lyric keeps bursting through my soul:

"Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you"

Great song. I love the Robyn Sherwell version in the video. Every time I hear "Well, I've been afraid of changing, 'cause I've built my life around you," I keep asking myself, "What have I built my life around??" Maybe I have been afraid to approach my past because it requires humility and...letting go. So much letting go. So much grace upon myself. It's easy to just keep putting it off. I'm not afraid. The road is long.

What have I built my life around? Pleasing others? Selective ignorance? Worry? Pizza? But really, this question keeps pulling and tugging at me. What have I built my life around? A low self-esteem? Passive-aggressive behavior? Music? My eye-sight? My five senses? My family? My dreams of a perfect whatever? Bitterness? Money? Religious exclusivity? Secrets? What is holding me back from changing?

This question comes at a timely season of life. This year is my first year to consciously observe the Christian calendar, and right now we are in the season of Lent. Lent means spring or springtime. A season of new growth. Last year, this season of spring was frozen over. Any seedlings of my heart were shocked into extended hibernation. This year, this spring, is a season of redeeming last spring.

Lent - a time to reflect. There is repentance in the waters of my soul yet.

Why does it matter that I process my past? Honestly, I'd rather not carry with me unnecessary baggage. I want to process it so I can learn from it and change. So much has already changed since last spring. Yet there are many miles to go before I sleep, and I don't want to remain stagnant in this journey. I'm reminded of another thing Icecream said a year ago:

"Life is like ice cream. If you wait too long it melts."

Amen, brother. I don't want my life to melt without having been consumed by the other lives around me. I want to be enjoyed, be useful. I want to grow. I don't want to wait to start. Cross cultural ministry humbles me, and challenges me to see people outside my own cultural framework. Counseling helps me see myself in a way I simply cannot on my own. People. People show me how to love better, inspire me to work harder, serve as white lines along the way. As the sun rises on my fog, I am filled with gratitude for the man ways God has been guiding me along my journey of healing, many of which I never saw.

Oh spring. That I could but bottle you up and carry you with me all year round. But needn't I summer, winter, fall...to love you at all? So spring, run your course, and as you course through my veins, may you sustain me till we meet again. 

What have you built your life around? What's causing you to fear change? What are you going to do about it?

"As sure as the sun will rise and chase away the night...his mercy will not end." -Ellie Holcomb, As Sure As the Sun

Simple Soul Speak

I'd like to write today's blog in conjunction with Kevin Garrett's song "Refuse."

As a whole, I prefer letting photos do most of the talking these days. I'm realizing more and more how I am being shaped as a human. We were made to change. While words can serve as markers for growth, photos can too, in their own special way. I'm a highly visual person, and while I thoroughly enjoy (and am constantly) writing, I'm also constantly envisioning my words and my ideas.

I'm pairing my photos today with the song "Refuse" because it is a beautiful song that speaks to part of where I am now, in my soul. Listen to it! (Link below)

"I'm okay alone. It makes my soul stir."

"Under microscopes, keep my head in the dirt."

"Slow crash, stumble over nothing on my own path"

"Runaway, I'm just a nomad"

"No one ever wanted me to go back"

"I know I am anything but uncouth"

"People try and change me since my youth..."

"But I refuse."

"Far away from home, forgot my address"

"Mind is still on loan...keeps me prepossessed."

"Slow crash, stumble over nothing on my own path. Runaway, I'm just a nomad. No one ever wanted me to go back. I know I am anything but uncouth. People try and change me since my youth. But I refuse."

Press play and thanks for checking out yet another of my "naturalist" soul refreshing adventures. 

Peace, and be a hobbit. 

Perfection

"I found it today at 2:09 pm.

I found something so sweet, pure, and beautiful. I found perfection in the midst of contradiction and tension. I found the newness of perfection within the defeat of the old. 

It was spatial, but it wasn't. It was another dimension, but I was touching it in this one. It was a moment. It was a lifetime. It was fleeting. So permanent. So indescribable yet here I am trying to box it with words. Words. Boxes. Definitions. 

Maybe I'm crazy to call Wednesday Wunday but the thing is, I can do it if I desire. You see, words are normal, but are not required. Definitions are standard, but not absolute. 

This is why I can say I found perfection today. This is why I can tell you that where the elephants blast, I touched my past with the gentle brush of new. You see, here the children screech and the birds tweet, the lions roar and unfortunately the eagles don't soar. I was not far from home, but perfectly far away in my halo of perfection. I was the angel and I was the light, too, today, at the zoo."

On Being A Naturalist

Imagine a craving. Imagine wanting a juicy Whataburger with fries and their ketchup. Imagine wanting the perfect kale salad with nuts and cranberries. Imagine a cosmic brownie or your grandmas best snicker doodles. Imagine Hyderabad's best biryani or your mom's pancit. Imagine craving a nap or watching your favorite show or listening to your favorite song. Whatever kind of craving you ever have, crave it right now. Right now. Do it. And then...imagine you just got what you want. 

That's what being in nature is like for me. A breath of relief. Satisfaction. But it's different. Because instead of being able to give myself nature, I have to let it give itself to me. I have to let the gentle flow of the creek heal my soul. I have to let the leaves dry my tears. I have to let go of myself, remember I'm small and just breathe. Breathe with my diaphragm. Breathe with my soul. Breathe away from the cars and rent and bad grades. Sound kinda boho-hippy-hipster to you? This is what it's like to be a naturalist. 

Ok, maybe it's not exactly like this for every naturalist. But I have a need to experience God in nature. It's how he made me. And I'm glad to know it. Nature including anything from the beach to forests to mountains to rivers and rocks and sand and dirt and rain and wind and cold and hot and green and leaves. Forests with the most beautiful grassy floors. Waterfalls big and small. Mud, the kind you lose weak shoes in. Scratches and falling and climbing up unexpected things and always learning something new and being in awe. This is what helps heal me. 

I just wanted to give you a tiny little portrait on what being a naturalist fronts as. But...it can speak for itself. And I promise you, it has a lot more to say than you can imagine. 

Mmm, mid-walk snack.

Broken bridge? Deep ravine? Challenge accepted.

Definitely wore the wrong shoes. First time here and I didn't know what to expect and I came straight from work. Say hello to my huge bandage covering my saw wound (from when I built a shelf the other day). And say hello to my henna!

[Insert all the poetic words and feelings here]

Found my spot.

More angles of my spot.

Hanging in my spot. Thanks, nature, for taking da pic.

The view from where I swung was rather marvelous.

How about them perfect blue skies on this amazing Texas day of "winter."

Stream whispers.

Definitely wore the wrong shoes. Didn't limit my adventures, though. Then I thought, Jesus wore leather sandals too, right??

What's an adventure without some blood? Left my mark! And it left its mark, too... Also, full disclosure of my Filipino nose right there. 

Walking on a dream. 

I LOVE NATURE WOOOOO!

Shanna || Arusha's || July 11

Pictures from our time at Arusha's today.  Shanna's been down with shingles. She's finally to a point where she can move around without the pain bothering her too much. I eased her back into the world with some down time at my favorite Belton coffee shop. Enjoy!