A Sunday Morning Digest - By an Ex-Christian

The view from Pasar Bubrah atop Mount Merapi.

We started this hike around midnight, entirely unprepared in every sense. It was cold - we had little body coverage. It was tough terrain - we had bad shoes. It was taxing - I had been sick for four days before. I had wanted so badly to hike this volcano the entire time I was in Yogyakarta summer 2016, but it wasn't until our last few days there that a friend became available to take us up.

Retrospect - I can list all the things I would have done differently. I can look on these photos with gratitude. This gratitude has taken me some time because I killed my body during the hike up this volcano, Merapi.

Which brings me to the present moment - listening to my body has been difficult recently. I've had to go soooo slow in recovering from sickness. I was supposed to be backpacking this weekend, but my body said no. Then, I got angry at my body and pushed it too hard anyways.

In retrospect, I would not have punished my body for needing to rest. I wouldn't have been so judgmental. Maybe I'd feel better right now, maybe not. The point is, I'm the only one responsible for myself. I used to pray to a god for healing. As I ache in my present moment, I reminisce on the praying I used to do. Now, that aspect of my life looks very different. It is my choice if I choose gratitude for my body. It is my choice if I take care. I can't control everything, but I do have choices.

Instead of asking someone to pick up the mess from my shitty decisions, I'm recognizing how empowered I can be to choose freely. Nothing is determined. Which makes the whole future daunting and exciting. All of this I'm learning from remembering a hike and last night.

People continue to engage me and my transition away from Christianity, and I love it. I'm asking more questions and learning more things.

Truth is, recreating my value system after having it laid out for me my entire life is thrilling and scary. There are many days where it's a struggle to find focus and persistence to keep living because my entire world feels shaky. I'm just being honest.

Truth is, I'm becoming softer than I ever was before. There have been many difficult times of deep emotions. There are still plenty of times where I'm a sloppy mess all over the place. This time around, though, I don't feel guilty. I don't feel worthless for making mistakes. I don't feel hopeless without the concept of heaven and hell. I feel empowered. I feel free.

Truth is, my transition isn't a big deal except for the part of the United States I live in. The Bible Belt.

Truth is, most people don't care for the intricate, beautiful, tiny, gazillion details that are a part of my journey to this present moment. Some people certainly do and have been kind enough to express they care. In general, most of the people I know excuse my decision as this or that. In part, it's because - if someone like me questions or steps away from their "faith" then maybe they might need to question theirs. Usually, instead of questioning their value system, people choose to question those who leave. So most people end up questioning me and who I am as a person, instead of the system they hold to so dearly. Sometimes it's super ironic, especially when my humanity is negated in order to preserve a system of belief. Overall, I get it. It's a tough cognitive and spiritual battle to ask the far-reaching questions or explore the far-reaching options available. It's scary to think against the reality that has served you for so long if you grew up a Christian. It is scary for some to recognize goodness and love outside of Christianity and Jesus. Most people never make it that far. I would say that's okay, so long as people are being treated as worthy humans regardless. I often wondered if the system of belief of Christianity even allows for genuine appreciation of the extreme diversity of humanity.

That being said, I'm not here to debate the validity of Christianity. I know Christian belief and thought is as diverse as the unique humans who choose to live by it. No one quite has the same beliefs or faith as each other, because everyone is so different. So what am I doing?

I'm opening up just a tiny bit more for those who ARE engaging this aspect of their life. Many people attribute religious change to "the millennial generation" and "postmodernism" or neo-whatever term fits their opinion. Pastors are engaging young people's flight from church as some cultural issue that needs fixing. I get it.

Yet I don't feel less whole for leaving Christianity and Jesus. Quite the opposite. I feel more well-rounded, more in touch with who I am deep inside, and more connected to humanity than I ever felt before. I didn't leave the system in order to adopt a different one. I left it because it wasn't bringing out the best I could be for myself or for others. Inside of this confession, I only ask that you quit judging my whole story with just the little bits you see. I will do my best to give you the same courtesy.

Thank you to those who have given me time and space to process this transition. So many of my Christian friends, despite whatever inner things they're going through, have been patient and kind with me. So many others have opened up and connected over going through the same kind of thing as me. No matter which category you fall in, I have gratitude for you. You are why I am writing this today. It's a Sunday, and I normally would have been inside some church. I no longer worship the same way or the same thing. My value as a human has not changed and will not change. Neither will yours, no matter what you believe. You are worthy of light and love.

Splendid views. Whether you give credit to your god or mother nature or the universe, the important thing is to have gratitude and express it. Act out of it.

Soul Fight or Flight: Vulnerability

I can pretend to be strong, but I can also embrace my weakness. Sometimes. Below is an online dictionary's definition of "fight-or-flight reaction":

fight-or-flight response. Dictionary.com. Dictionary.com Unabridged. Random House, Inc. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/fight-or-flight-response (accessed: February 24, 2016). 


Such a reaction is intrinsic in humans for survival. Today, however, this intrinsic reaction translates differently, as our world is no longer threatening us with the same things (i.e. saber tooth tigers back then vs. arguments today, mentioned in link below). I've been recently wanting to apply this term to my inner world, to the survival of my psyche. (Oooo, so spiritual....*wiggles fingers like magic*). But on a serious note, I'm not the first to do so. A quick Google search led me here, to this page on one person's view of the "fight-or-flight response." This quote stuck out to me the most:

"In most cases today, once our fight or flight response is activated, we cannot flee. We cannot fight. We cannot physically run from our perceived threats. When we are faced with modern day, saber tooth tigers, we have to sit in our office and "control ourselves." We have to sit in traffic and "deal with it." We have to wait until the bank opens to "handle" the bounced check. In short, many of the major stresses today trigger the full activation of our fight or flight response, causing us to become aggressive, hypervigilant and over-reactive."

As I'm trying to work this out in my brain, and as I parallel all of this to my "soul," it seems to be all the same and connected. When my inner world feels threatened, my soul prepares itself to fight or flee. Really though, I've been fighting to flee. Vulnerability. Let's pop in more to read, this time synonyms of vulnerable:

vulnerable. Thesaurus.com. Roget's 21st Century Thesaurus, Third Edition. Philip Lief Group 2009.http://www.thesaurus.com/browse/vulnerable (accessed: February 24, 2016).

BOOM. Exposed, unsafe, weak, susceptible, naked, tender, out on a limb, unguarded, wide open. Feel that shiver down your spine? Yeah, me too. When I am feeling vulnerable or when I am at a crossroads and choosing vulnerability is one of the options, I run the opposite direction faster than light. I'm a runner. I don't even know what it's like to fight through vulnerability, or if that's even the better option, or whatever. I just flee. Bye Felicia on that shit.

So here I am blogging about it. Because I know I'm not alone. And I know I can't run forever. To put how I feel into other words, this song may help do the trick:

Scarlet by Brooke Fraser (It was interesting to look up other people's ideas of song meanings. Whether or not there is an explicitly laid out song meaning, here is mine):

Middle of nowhere / Finally you can breathe / Nobody knows your name / It's easier

This is one of the best feelings of running away. When I'm far, I can breathe and remain unknown. And yes, it's quite easier. So easy to run.

Shut your eyes tightly / Clench your fists 'til they almost bleed / Cautiously, lightly / Gently expose what's underneath

But even when I'm far away and in hiding, I'm still not free from my vulnerability. It follows me, never letting go until I give it attention. I get angry at the feelings of vulnerability. I fight. Clench my fists. Yet it does not remain hidden to me.

And all you feel now / Is the scarlet in the day / Even if it's real / You can't stay...

For me, at this moment, the scarlet in the day is the truth of pain. The truth that I can't stay the same as I always have been, at least in the sense that I don't want to. And so, even if this scarlet feeling of vulnerability is real, I can't stay here. I have to move out of it.

[Chorus] So there you go / You're gone for good/ There you go / You're gone for good

So there I go. I'm gone for good. To me this means I've chosen whether or not to take my weaknesses head on. I can be gone for good, as in I'm choosing to stay hidden. Not tell anyone. Repress the pain and weakness. Or I can be gone for good from being hidden. I can finally leave my hiding place and open up to the world. To someone besides myself. At this point, it's my choice.

Your mind is swollen / From months of thought without release / They've taken their toll on you / And this very moment / Of timid and fragile honesty / Is precious and rare and fleeting

Talk about a great verse. I'm at a breaking point now. Timid and fragile honesty...so precious and rare and...the window for addressing it can be very small sometimes. I'm freaking out. What do I do. Be weak. Hide my weakness. Shit.

And all you feel now / Is the scarlet in the day / And even if it's real / You can't stay...

Thing is, I really can't stay here. I either have to hide away again or I have to open up. Choices. Shit. 

At this point, I'm reminded of this line in a letter within a book:

"Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed." -James 5:16a

I don't know the surrounding context of this line. I don't know all the implications. I don't know what exactly the therefore is drawing from. But I'm struck with the idea that healing involves community. The choice now becomes whether or not to enter into community with each conscious awareness of vulnerability. I'm starting to see that the feelings of vulnerability as experienced within a healthy community can lead to the antonyms of the word - strong, protected, safe. Perhaps they can even happen side by side, feeling safe in my weakness. But most certainly not alone.

One last quote to top this off, from the article I linked above:

"By recognizing the symptoms and signs of being in fight or flight, we can begin to take steps to handle the stress overload. There are benefits to being in fight or flight—even when the threat is only psychological rather than physical. For example, in times of emotional jeopardy, the fight or flight response can sharpen our mental acuity, thereby helping us deal decisively with issues, moving us to action. But it can also make us hypervigilant and over-reactive during times when a state of calm awareness is more productive. By learning to recognize the signals of fight or flight activation, we can avoid reacting excessively to events and fears that are not life threatening. In so doing, we can play "emotional judo" with our fight or flight response, "using" its energy to help us rather than harm us. We can borrow the beneficial effects (heightened awareness, mental acuity and the ability to tolerate excess pain) in order to change our emotional environment and deal productively with our fears, thoughts and potential dangers." 

Enough said. It's time to play emotional judo. Woooooooooooo. 

[Insert super deep quote here] (But really, tells self to get off my butt and start opening up) Weak is the new tough.

What Are You Waiting For?

I like to think.  I like to share my thoughts with the Lord and see what he thinks, too.  One time I was thinking, and something hit me (I usually get hit by thoughts – not tapped or nudged, although that does happen sometimes, too. Actually, maybe some thoughts sneak up on me also… so never mind). But yes, a thought hit me – what am I waiting for? What am I waiting for???

We’re always waiting it seems! We are always waiting for the next milestone – graduation, next vehicle, next paycheck, next sport event, next relationship, next house, next job, next pay-raise, year, child, class, birthday, wedding, you name it! We’re waiting for it.  Sometimes the wait is simply normal, like waiting in line at the DPS office to get a new license or waiting to have enough money to make a down payment on something. Sometimes, waiting isn't okay.  Sometimes we wait until graduation to start living like there’s a real world out there (speaking for students of all ages). Sometimes we wait until the morning-of to study for a test (guilty a hundred times over).  Sometimes we wait until the work-day is over to start enjoying the time we have. Sometimes we wait until we are in a new relationship to start actively working on the character flaws we know we have to wrestle with.  Sometimes we wait until we have our first child to start seeing humanity as precious and valuable. 

I looked at all these elements of waiting and decided that I don’t want to wait. I’m done waiting. I’m done waiting to take charge of my attitude and development as a person until I’m…what, more grown? A wife? A mother? A grandmother? When do you start making changes and growing? Yes, I know that each of those times of my life will bring each their own lessons and seasons of growth that I can’t experience right now.  But I don’t want to go into those times unequipped, having waited until I’m in an intimate relationship with someone to practice far-stretched patience or profuse forgiving or self-sacrificing. I don’t want to wait until I’m married to start taking constructive criticism seriously and delicately.  I don’t want to wait until I have an “official job” to start doing what I love. The time is now.

I've heard that phrase over and again, too.  The time is now. It never really got to me, though, until recent thoughts hit me (hahahahaha). So here is one of my new mantras I've been sharing with those close to me:

The life I’m living now is the life I always want to live. I’m not waiting to live how I want to live in the future.

What this means to me is not that I’m completely satisfied with where I am now but that I am completely satisfied with how I’m living my life now.  How am I choosing to live life now?  I’m choosing to take each day and actively seek how I can give this life I've been given back to the One who is worth all of my life and so so so so much more.  I’m choosing to live each day in the understanding that I have so much more to learn about life and God and loving his world.  I’m choosing to laugh more, care more, give more, adventure more, fail more, cry more, celebrate more.

I’m simply saying that I’m not waiting until the bad times, rough times, odd times, emotional times or whatever have passed for me to start being better for Christ. It seems almost absolute to say I’m completely satisfied with how I’m living my life now. It isn't though, because my understanding is that I’m living with the knowledge that I have so much farther to go – and that’s why it’s important not to wait. We’ll always, always have room to be better, to grow more like Christ, to love people more. So why wait? Why wait and fall behind? Why wait and watch the excellent life pass you by when you can hop on to the excellent-life boat and sail through life in excellence? Does this sound cheesy? Maybe it is. But it’s real. And it’s now. I want to be on that excellent-life boat. I know the waters will get rough sometimes. Shoot, I’ll even get knocked out of it every now and then. Other times, though, I’ll see the most beautiful things on the journey. I’ll feel the winds of life rushing along with me. I’ll see the power of God and how he is constantly in motion. And I know deep down inside, I’d much rather be on the boat of excellence, excellently giving my life back to the Lord for his glory alone, than to be on the shore wishing I was.