A Sunday Morning Digest - By an Ex-Christian

The view from Pasar Bubrah atop Mount Merapi.

We started this hike around midnight, entirely unprepared in every sense. It was cold - we had little body coverage. It was tough terrain - we had bad shoes. It was taxing - I had been sick for four days before. I had wanted so badly to hike this volcano the entire time I was in Yogyakarta summer 2016, but it wasn't until our last few days there that a friend became available to take us up.

Retrospect - I can list all the things I would have done differently. I can look on these photos with gratitude. This gratitude has taken me some time because I killed my body during the hike up this volcano, Merapi.

Which brings me to the present moment - listening to my body has been difficult recently. I've had to go soooo slow in recovering from sickness. I was supposed to be backpacking this weekend, but my body said no. Then, I got angry at my body and pushed it too hard anyways.

In retrospect, I would not have punished my body for needing to rest. I wouldn't have been so judgmental. Maybe I'd feel better right now, maybe not. The point is, I'm the only one responsible for myself. I used to pray to a god for healing. As I ache in my present moment, I reminisce on the praying I used to do. Now, that aspect of my life looks very different. It is my choice if I choose gratitude for my body. It is my choice if I take care. I can't control everything, but I do have choices.

Instead of asking someone to pick up the mess from my shitty decisions, I'm recognizing how empowered I can be to choose freely. Nothing is determined. Which makes the whole future daunting and exciting. All of this I'm learning from remembering a hike and last night.

People continue to engage me and my transition away from Christianity, and I love it. I'm asking more questions and learning more things.

Truth is, recreating my value system after having it laid out for me my entire life is thrilling and scary. There are many days where it's a struggle to find focus and persistence to keep living because my entire world feels shaky. I'm just being honest.

Truth is, I'm becoming softer than I ever was before. There have been many difficult times of deep emotions. There are still plenty of times where I'm a sloppy mess all over the place. This time around, though, I don't feel guilty. I don't feel worthless for making mistakes. I don't feel hopeless without the concept of heaven and hell. I feel empowered. I feel free.

Truth is, my transition isn't a big deal except for the part of the United States I live in. The Bible Belt.

Truth is, most people don't care for the intricate, beautiful, tiny, gazillion details that are a part of my journey to this present moment. Some people certainly do and have been kind enough to express they care. In general, most of the people I know excuse my decision as this or that. In part, it's because - if someone like me questions or steps away from their "faith" then maybe they might need to question theirs. Usually, instead of questioning their value system, people choose to question those who leave. So most people end up questioning me and who I am as a person, instead of the system they hold to so dearly. Sometimes it's super ironic, especially when my humanity is negated in order to preserve a system of belief. Overall, I get it. It's a tough cognitive and spiritual battle to ask the far-reaching questions or explore the far-reaching options available. It's scary to think against the reality that has served you for so long if you grew up a Christian. It is scary for some to recognize goodness and love outside of Christianity and Jesus. Most people never make it that far. I would say that's okay, so long as people are being treated as worthy humans regardless. I often wondered if the system of belief of Christianity even allows for genuine appreciation of the extreme diversity of humanity.

That being said, I'm not here to debate the validity of Christianity. I know Christian belief and thought is as diverse as the unique humans who choose to live by it. No one quite has the same beliefs or faith as each other, because everyone is so different. So what am I doing?

I'm opening up just a tiny bit more for those who ARE engaging this aspect of their life. Many people attribute religious change to "the millennial generation" and "postmodernism" or neo-whatever term fits their opinion. Pastors are engaging young people's flight from church as some cultural issue that needs fixing. I get it.

Yet I don't feel less whole for leaving Christianity and Jesus. Quite the opposite. I feel more well-rounded, more in touch with who I am deep inside, and more connected to humanity than I ever felt before. I didn't leave the system in order to adopt a different one. I left it because it wasn't bringing out the best I could be for myself or for others. Inside of this confession, I only ask that you quit judging my whole story with just the little bits you see. I will do my best to give you the same courtesy.

Thank you to those who have given me time and space to process this transition. So many of my Christian friends, despite whatever inner things they're going through, have been patient and kind with me. So many others have opened up and connected over going through the same kind of thing as me. No matter which category you fall in, I have gratitude for you. You are why I am writing this today. It's a Sunday, and I normally would have been inside some church. I no longer worship the same way or the same thing. My value as a human has not changed and will not change. Neither will yours, no matter what you believe. You are worthy of light and love.

Splendid views. Whether you give credit to your god or mother nature or the universe, the important thing is to have gratitude and express it. Act out of it.

Transitions & Natural Hair - Um, Dreads?? and Change

Okay! I get it! The young are capricious! It's kind of like having younger siblings - you want to tell them not to do the same stupid shit you did because you know how it ends...but they simply will not learn until they experience it for themselves. Same for parents to kids. The interplay between your personal knowledge and someone else's need for personal experience can be frustrating - or beautiful.

Life happens in stages of development. There are physical stages, like puberty and old age. There are psychological stages, which lead to increased maturity. Sometimes people miss certain stages. There are all kinds of theories on what the stages are, but we know for sure that we experience different things at different ages, and the lessons we learn (should) help us continue in maturity/wisdom. If you miss a stage, you can't typically progress to any other stage after that because each stage builds on the one before.

All of this to say, I'm deep inside of a searching/questioning/exploring phase. Sometimes I feel like circumstances rocket-launched me into this phase. Mostly, I'm very aware of the choices I've made to be here.  Occasionally I question if I should have gone through this sooner, but no matter - where I am now is where I am. Honestly? I love where I am. I FEEL WILD AND FREE.

It's tough, too. I'm no longer:
-a student
-a child
-employed
-a christian
-in a relationship

And all of these labels have provided each their own false sense of security before. Now, I'm naked, unbound by any group, label, identity and WOAH, if you've been here, you know it's scary. Maybe you never made it here and you crave it. How I wish everyone gets their own chance to be stripped of all the baggage put on by family and society.

What is happening in this stage? I'm all over the place wild, changing my hair every few months (hence, no longer having dreadlocks), exploring new places, searching for meaning in a workplace, attempting to be true to my deepest passions I've known since I was a tiny kid (when I was unexposed to the heartache and bias of the world).  I'm fighting to understand my intrinsic value as a human being - the value that isn't defined by what I do/can do, what I think/believe, what I look like, etc. In part, I wrote this blog to talk about my dreadlocks.

DREADLOCKS - they were short lived this time around. I suspect I might try them again, but who really knows? They were purposeful when I had them. Remember what I wrote before? When I was inside some intense transitions, I began working on dreading my hair.  It was helpful for me to have something tangible I could control with my hands while the rest of the world was spinning out of my control.  Eventually, when the dreads were a bit more normal, I did not make enough time to maintain them at the level I wanted.  I desired to feel confident with my hair, but I didn't make the choices to reach that confidence level.  My dreadlocks got very messy, and I no longer admired myself with them.  So I took them out.  It was rapid and it was unexpected, but it was right. I made yet another change in my life, and now I'm blogging about it. Typical!

In all truthfulness, though, I'm sharing this to tell you - it's okay to change.  It's actually okay to do something different, something out of the ordinary. Also, you're allowed to return to something you left. My parents choose to believe I'm still a "Christian" or "believer" in order to make it through another day. My sister Shanna has left the door open for returning to Christianity (and I've left it open vice versa; more on my transition away from my childhood belief system in the future). I'm putting in the work in accepting the rapid unsureness of my present stage. While I don't plan on returning to anything of my past any time soon, my hair has been a safe place to practice change and transition. What a gift.

Now, I'm rocking my natural hair again, and I love it! Since I recently began exploring going natural with the rest of my body (growing out my armpit hair, eyebrow/unibrow hair and leg/toe hair), it makes sense to return my head hair to its natural state. It's like completing a puzzle. The last piece, at least for now, was saying goodbye to my dreadlocks. So many people loved them and met me for their first time when I had them.

Yet I'm shuffling the puzzle pieces all the time, all the same. Here's a quote from an empowering Ted talk about being in your 20s:

"These are the facts... We know that personality changes more during your 20s than at any other time in life, and we know that female fertility peaks at age 28, and things get tricky after age 35. So your 20s are the time to educate yourself about your body and your options."

 Honestly, it does no good to look down on millennials for their wild changes. Every adult goes through being in their 20s. Give this Ted talk a listen, no matter what age you are, and get on board with empowering 20 year olds.

What does this have anything to do with all the major shifts happening in the world right now? When you connect someone to the freedom to choose their own path and change their mind, you open doors for authentic, active change. When you quit requiring young people to appropriate their true self to religion or law, you will see good changes happen. Once again, I'm offering this small story in hopes that one less person will feel alone in their wild, shifting, changing 20s. I'm really hoping you listen to the Ted talk and feel proud to embody the stage you're in. Being in your 20s doesn't mean you have a decade to waste. It's the PRIME time to put in the work that will impact the rest of your life.  I used to tell people my age coupled with the phrase, "I'm just a baby." Now I'm closer to feeling confident when I say I'm in my early 20s. And it's tough, but I'm putting in the work. Here's to changing!!

Some days they rocked!

Bye bye dreadies.

Enjoying my natural hair again. I lost half my volume! #DoItForTheTwenties