A Sunday Morning Digest - By an Ex-Christian

The view from Pasar Bubrah atop Mount Merapi.

We started this hike around midnight, entirely unprepared in every sense. It was cold - we had little body coverage. It was tough terrain - we had bad shoes. It was taxing - I had been sick for four days before. I had wanted so badly to hike this volcano the entire time I was in Yogyakarta summer 2016, but it wasn't until our last few days there that a friend became available to take us up.

Retrospect - I can list all the things I would have done differently. I can look on these photos with gratitude. This gratitude has taken me some time because I killed my body during the hike up this volcano, Merapi.

Which brings me to the present moment - listening to my body has been difficult recently. I've had to go soooo slow in recovering from sickness. I was supposed to be backpacking this weekend, but my body said no. Then, I got angry at my body and pushed it too hard anyways.

In retrospect, I would not have punished my body for needing to rest. I wouldn't have been so judgmental. Maybe I'd feel better right now, maybe not. The point is, I'm the only one responsible for myself. I used to pray to a god for healing. As I ache in my present moment, I reminisce on the praying I used to do. Now, that aspect of my life looks very different. It is my choice if I choose gratitude for my body. It is my choice if I take care. I can't control everything, but I do have choices.

Instead of asking someone to pick up the mess from my shitty decisions, I'm recognizing how empowered I can be to choose freely. Nothing is determined. Which makes the whole future daunting and exciting. All of this I'm learning from remembering a hike and last night.

People continue to engage me and my transition away from Christianity, and I love it. I'm asking more questions and learning more things.

Truth is, recreating my value system after having it laid out for me my entire life is thrilling and scary. There are many days where it's a struggle to find focus and persistence to keep living because my entire world feels shaky. I'm just being honest.

Truth is, I'm becoming softer than I ever was before. There have been many difficult times of deep emotions. There are still plenty of times where I'm a sloppy mess all over the place. This time around, though, I don't feel guilty. I don't feel worthless for making mistakes. I don't feel hopeless without the concept of heaven and hell. I feel empowered. I feel free.

Truth is, my transition isn't a big deal except for the part of the United States I live in. The Bible Belt.

Truth is, most people don't care for the intricate, beautiful, tiny, gazillion details that are a part of my journey to this present moment. Some people certainly do and have been kind enough to express they care. In general, most of the people I know excuse my decision as this or that. In part, it's because - if someone like me questions or steps away from their "faith" then maybe they might need to question theirs. Usually, instead of questioning their value system, people choose to question those who leave. So most people end up questioning me and who I am as a person, instead of the system they hold to so dearly. Sometimes it's super ironic, especially when my humanity is negated in order to preserve a system of belief. Overall, I get it. It's a tough cognitive and spiritual battle to ask the far-reaching questions or explore the far-reaching options available. It's scary to think against the reality that has served you for so long if you grew up a Christian. It is scary for some to recognize goodness and love outside of Christianity and Jesus. Most people never make it that far. I would say that's okay, so long as people are being treated as worthy humans regardless. I often wondered if the system of belief of Christianity even allows for genuine appreciation of the extreme diversity of humanity.

That being said, I'm not here to debate the validity of Christianity. I know Christian belief and thought is as diverse as the unique humans who choose to live by it. No one quite has the same beliefs or faith as each other, because everyone is so different. So what am I doing?

I'm opening up just a tiny bit more for those who ARE engaging this aspect of their life. Many people attribute religious change to "the millennial generation" and "postmodernism" or neo-whatever term fits their opinion. Pastors are engaging young people's flight from church as some cultural issue that needs fixing. I get it.

Yet I don't feel less whole for leaving Christianity and Jesus. Quite the opposite. I feel more well-rounded, more in touch with who I am deep inside, and more connected to humanity than I ever felt before. I didn't leave the system in order to adopt a different one. I left it because it wasn't bringing out the best I could be for myself or for others. Inside of this confession, I only ask that you quit judging my whole story with just the little bits you see. I will do my best to give you the same courtesy.

Thank you to those who have given me time and space to process this transition. So many of my Christian friends, despite whatever inner things they're going through, have been patient and kind with me. So many others have opened up and connected over going through the same kind of thing as me. No matter which category you fall in, I have gratitude for you. You are why I am writing this today. It's a Sunday, and I normally would have been inside some church. I no longer worship the same way or the same thing. My value as a human has not changed and will not change. Neither will yours, no matter what you believe. You are worthy of light and love.

Splendid views. Whether you give credit to your god or mother nature or the universe, the important thing is to have gratitude and express it. Act out of it.

Coming Home to My DNA - Unibrow Power

Let's FACE it...there's something different about my appearance. I grow hair smack in the middle of my face, between my eyes and above my nose. Unibrow, monobrow, Frida Kahlo, Hey Arnold, whatever you want to call it, it's a part of me. Inside of my recent transitions/chaos, I didn't spend as much time keeping up with my appearance, and one day I noticed dark hairs growing where I normally never allow them. As I sat down with tweezers and a mirror, I finally approached the thought of, "why do I alter this about myself?" At any other time, I wouldn't have asked myself this. Or, I wouldn't have addressed the question. This time, I asked the question inside of a million other questions I was asking about my life, so it had a place.

The story is simple - when I was in fourth or fifth grade, a girl in my class pointed out that I have a unibrow. I don't remember anything else about the situation, besides that we were in the hallway. Was she making fun of me? Was she being factual? Was she showing off knowledge she learned recently? Whatever the case, from that point on, I no longer had a unibrow. Since elementary school, I learned the magical art of tweezer wielding.

It doesn't sound like too much of a big deal upfront. In fact, people would compliment my hard-earned eyebrows (back when I had two...). When I began questioning how I felt about my face, however, I noticed a lot of things were packed into shaping my eyebrows - things I no longer wished to carry.  There's a joke about people with a monobrow - one of their fears is if they were ever in a coma, they'd wake up with one! My anxiety about my facial hair came with the thought that if I were ever to be trapped on an island (because everyone just imagines this kind of stuff right?) I would  be a hairy mess. Silly fear, but I was about ready to FACE it!

So what did I do?? First, as it was growing out, I told my closer companions. I wanted to avoid some awkwardness when they would see me for the first time. Next, I eventually built up courage to do an Instagram story on my unibrow. I asked people to tell me their honest opinions - and they did! What was the next logical step of action? A photoshoot of course! Here is what came of it:

 My friend Sarah was offering photoshoots to fundraise for her next big adventure, so I snagged to opportunity to be showered by her magical talent. I told her my only priority was to capture my eyebrow. (By the way, we took these photos at Mother Neff State Park! It was cold, rainy, and perfect. Be on the lookout for my next blog about the ambassador program I am a part of.)

TRUTHS ABOUT THE EYEBROW:

1. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. It's definitely counter to our eyebrow-crazy society's expectations of what beauty is. A lot of times I feel incredibly beautiful. Other times, I feel foreign to myself. It changes the dynamic of my facial features, and I'm still adjusting to the way it looks.
2. I always wonder what people are thinking (if they are thinking about it) and I'm always curious to know other's opinions. Your opinion may not sway me, but it helps me fill in (lol, eyebrow puns) the surrounding experience of my eyebrow. Some people don't like it, and they recognize this is because of our society's expectations. Some people love how goofy it is! Some people tell me I should get rid of it. Some people have said absolutely nothing as well. What about you??
3. It's still growing! The hairs spent most of my life being "killed" before they had any chance to see the light. Now that I'm allowing them to be free, they just keep coming and I'm constantly amazed at how much hair is a part of my face!

Here is a quote I snagged from Wikipedia on the unibrow:

"In both Ancient Greek and Roman cultures, unibrows were prized as beautiful, desirable features worn by the most intelligent and lusted-after women."

Heck yes. I'm definitely boosting myself here. Regardless of what is true or not, the whole point of this story I'm sharing is that I'm learning how to come home to my body as it is.  How else has this coming-home-to-me shown up? Well, I have pretty hairy legs and hairy armpits (I always let people know, I have more armpit hair in one pit than all four of my brothers' armpit hairs put together - not to put them down or anything). I've let these grow out. Truthfully, most of my family is absolutely repulsed by my hairiness, so don't feel bad if you are too. My challenge for you is to ask yourself why. Why? Why is hair, such a natural and purposeful thing, so stigmatized on women? It's more than okay to love your clean-shaven legs, arms, armpits, and other areas. I'm starting to realize, it's more than okay to love the hairs as they grow, too. Here's to growth!!!

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She's beauty and she's grace.