First Post in 7 Years...Hello from a brand new human

Has it really been 7 years since I wrote here? 

There are at least 2 humans who chose to follow along with the journey of this blog (super HI if you're actually here reading now!)...

And ultimately, this blog was first for me to express, regardless of who was reading.

Back in the day, I was sharing these writings more.
And people were telling me how they felt supported and seen through the things I wrote. 

Now??

I'm just here to breath into space again - to breathe with my fingers as they type the conglomeration of shapes and letters that make up the ideas in my brain...to breathe with the veins of my appendages into this strange ether called the internet and -

To quit thinking so hard. 

And to 

Just

Write. 

Hi. Thanks for being here. If this is an urge for you as well, you're invited to simply write, too.

5 Things I Learned as a Female Backpacker - Great Smoky Mountains Backcountry

Catching my breath at this breathtaking rest stop.

In May, I spent one night front country & three nights backcountry with two other women at the Great Smoky Mountains National Park (Tennessee section).  This trip started when Julia called asking if I wanted to backpack with her as part of her end-of-college celebration before starting a new job. Of course I said yes! Then we did it. Here are 5 of the 100+ amazing things I learned along the way:

1. All-female backpackers get more hype than all-male backpackers.

Gender-borders aside, people were a lot nosier and generally shocked to see three women (all NOT in college) alone in the backcountry. Perhaps it's the area included, but the amount of attention we received from simply being who we were in nature was a lot. Too much. Yet the river is constantly changing. The general gender dynamic provided opportunities to encourage other females outdoors in the same capacity as us and to encourage males in supporting women who also enjoy the sport (backpacking is an extreme sport, btw).

This. This was everywhere.

2. Nature is a safe space to open up.

We each learn this in our own way, and I learned it in a new way out in the Appalachians. When you go outside, your entire mind and body has freedom to be stretched and used in ways most natural to us (yet most distanced from us with our modern lifestyles). You use your muscles naturally on trail. Your mind finds freedom to wander to those deep places inside of you when you step outside. You are safe in the wild. As ironic as it seems, we found ourself going deeper about some hard parts of our lives, simply because there was safety and space for it. When you're walking miles and miles to your next sleeping grounds with your entire home on your back, you learn a lot of new things about yourself.

Jess & Julia crossing the creek.

3. Ultralight backpacking is a thing for a reason.

As much as we were prepared (in the safe sense of the word), we had plenty of things to learn. One thing we learned very quickly was lighter packs are where it is! We gained a new sense of motivation towards ultralight backpacking skills, some of which I hope to share with you in the near future!
For reference, ultralight backpacking seeks to minimize impact on the earth and on our bodies by having everything necessary for survival at the smallest weight possible. With a lighter pack, the body and mind has more freedom in the wild!

Julia's view on Mt. Cammerer. She was the only one brave enough to reclimb mountains for this.

4. Females rock!

I found so much strength and encouragement from Jess and Julia as I traveled up and down mountains. Everything from packing the night before, to the car ride, to the backcountry campsites was made extra unique by my girlfriends and their own wonderful personalities. I love traveling with feminine energy, especially when it comes to surviving and thriving. (I do not mean my words in any sexist way. I'm speaking of natural things in nature, and that is all). We had a lot of moments where we messed up, got off schedule, changed plans - and inside of the entire journey, we chose to be pure in love and compassion in our responses. What an honor to explore this way.

Julia atop Mount Cammerer!

5. Would 10/10 do this again!

Over and over! One of the biggest things I learned is how much I truly enjoy teaching people how to backpack for their first time (Jess) and learning how to do things better and better. If you're interested in organizing a trip with me, please let me know! I include teaching how/what/why to pack and outdoor skills (LNT, first aid, etc.). Nature does most of the teaching. I'm along for the ride.

Jess doing morning yoga at our front country campsite.

A Sunday Morning Digest - By an Ex-Christian

The view from Pasar Bubrah atop Mount Merapi.

We started this hike around midnight, entirely unprepared in every sense. It was cold - we had little body coverage. It was tough terrain - we had bad shoes. It was taxing - I had been sick for four days before. I had wanted so badly to hike this volcano the entire time I was in Yogyakarta summer 2016, but it wasn't until our last few days there that a friend became available to take us up.

Retrospect - I can list all the things I would have done differently. I can look on these photos with gratitude. This gratitude has taken me some time because I killed my body during the hike up this volcano, Merapi.

Which brings me to the present moment - listening to my body has been difficult recently. I've had to go soooo slow in recovering from sickness. I was supposed to be backpacking this weekend, but my body said no. Then, I got angry at my body and pushed it too hard anyways.

In retrospect, I would not have punished my body for needing to rest. I wouldn't have been so judgmental. Maybe I'd feel better right now, maybe not. The point is, I'm the only one responsible for myself. I used to pray to a god for healing. As I ache in my present moment, I reminisce on the praying I used to do. Now, that aspect of my life looks very different. It is my choice if I choose gratitude for my body. It is my choice if I take care. I can't control everything, but I do have choices.

Instead of asking someone to pick up the mess from my shitty decisions, I'm recognizing how empowered I can be to choose freely. Nothing is determined. Which makes the whole future daunting and exciting. All of this I'm learning from remembering a hike and last night.

People continue to engage me and my transition away from Christianity, and I love it. I'm asking more questions and learning more things.

Truth is, recreating my value system after having it laid out for me my entire life is thrilling and scary. There are many days where it's a struggle to find focus and persistence to keep living because my entire world feels shaky. I'm just being honest.

Truth is, I'm becoming softer than I ever was before. There have been many difficult times of deep emotions. There are still plenty of times where I'm a sloppy mess all over the place. This time around, though, I don't feel guilty. I don't feel worthless for making mistakes. I don't feel hopeless without the concept of heaven and hell. I feel empowered. I feel free.

Truth is, my transition isn't a big deal except for the part of the United States I live in. The Bible Belt.

Truth is, most people don't care for the intricate, beautiful, tiny, gazillion details that are a part of my journey to this present moment. Some people certainly do and have been kind enough to express they care. In general, most of the people I know excuse my decision as this or that. In part, it's because - if someone like me questions or steps away from their "faith" then maybe they might need to question theirs. Usually, instead of questioning their value system, people choose to question those who leave. So most people end up questioning me and who I am as a person, instead of the system they hold to so dearly. Sometimes it's super ironic, especially when my humanity is negated in order to preserve a system of belief. Overall, I get it. It's a tough cognitive and spiritual battle to ask the far-reaching questions or explore the far-reaching options available. It's scary to think against the reality that has served you for so long if you grew up a Christian. It is scary for some to recognize goodness and love outside of Christianity and Jesus. Most people never make it that far. I would say that's okay, so long as people are being treated as worthy humans regardless. I often wondered if the system of belief of Christianity even allows for genuine appreciation of the extreme diversity of humanity.

That being said, I'm not here to debate the validity of Christianity. I know Christian belief and thought is as diverse as the unique humans who choose to live by it. No one quite has the same beliefs or faith as each other, because everyone is so different. So what am I doing?

I'm opening up just a tiny bit more for those who ARE engaging this aspect of their life. Many people attribute religious change to "the millennial generation" and "postmodernism" or neo-whatever term fits their opinion. Pastors are engaging young people's flight from church as some cultural issue that needs fixing. I get it.

Yet I don't feel less whole for leaving Christianity and Jesus. Quite the opposite. I feel more well-rounded, more in touch with who I am deep inside, and more connected to humanity than I ever felt before. I didn't leave the system in order to adopt a different one. I left it because it wasn't bringing out the best I could be for myself or for others. Inside of this confession, I only ask that you quit judging my whole story with just the little bits you see. I will do my best to give you the same courtesy.

Thank you to those who have given me time and space to process this transition. So many of my Christian friends, despite whatever inner things they're going through, have been patient and kind with me. So many others have opened up and connected over going through the same kind of thing as me. No matter which category you fall in, I have gratitude for you. You are why I am writing this today. It's a Sunday, and I normally would have been inside some church. I no longer worship the same way or the same thing. My value as a human has not changed and will not change. Neither will yours, no matter what you believe. You are worthy of light and love.

Splendid views. Whether you give credit to your god or mother nature or the universe, the important thing is to have gratitude and express it. Act out of it.

One Year of Mother Neff - My State Park Journey in Photos of Visits Throughout the Year

Happy one year, sweet Mother Neff

Check out this awesome state park! Mother Neff State Park in Moody, TX. My very first visit was exactly ONE YEAR AGO from today, so I'm celebrating by sharing my journey with the park in photos. Enjoy the captions and visuals. It's been a wild, wonderful year. If you're interested in visiting my park, come out on Saturday, February 18! I'm organizing a volunteer opportunity. See me on Instagram or Facebook for more details. Volunteers visit for FREE! Plus, the Buffalo Soldiers are doing a reenactment on the same day. Or just come when you can!

JANUARY 31, 2016

On this day, I remember being aching to go outside, so I looked for green spaces on my map app. The first green space that showed up was Mother Neff State Park, and it was DEFINITELY a green dream last January!

Absolutely perfect day. I napped pretty well.

The wash pond was mesmerizing, as always. This is my very first look at the wash pond, so it grabbed me by the heartstrings and never let me go. 

The trails are short yet cozy and beautiful.

NOVEMBER 5, 2016

The next time I came was during a CCC event at the park. It included food, crafts, and fun. I brought my two youngest siblings and introduced them to Mother Neff for their first time.

The wash pond was flowing and lively! 

Parks have a special vibe when its raining. Like this damp yet lovely shot.

This section right next to the cave was entirely alive! My little brother had fun looking cool.

The cave provided a nice relief from the rain, much like we imagine it did back then for native people. My baby sister stands in the background as I attempt to get an artistic shot. Did I succeed??

NOVEMBER 8-10, 2016 

This is the pond near the prairie loop. On this visit, I camped out alone for my first time.  

I had dreadlocks! My first solo trip was very rewarding.  

So many things were gorgeously carpeted with moss.

I did a little backpacking practice to prepare for our training. The park rangers thought I was funny for walking their short trails with a backpack until I explained why!

It was also rainy during my solo trip. This time, the trails were haunting and eerie, which was fitting for the mood I was in at the time.

Overall, I had a great time! During the night it was a bit scary, wondering if any animals or weirdos were out in the woods watching me. Other than that, Mother Neff was an amazing place to practice solo. 

DECEMBER 5, 2016

During this visit, I brought my friend Sarah along for a formal photo shoot! She was raising money for the World Race via photos, and I was introducing yet another person to Mother Neff! Win-win :)

And...Once again...it was raining! Made the shoot extra fun. 

Spicy Cat.

It was Texas fall time, so everything was bursting with color. Sarah did her best to capture the colors in the artsy way she does.

This photo looks like I'm living a pure dream. I love it!

Wash pond water-play. 

This was also the shoot designate to feature my unibrow, which I wrote a blog about and you can find here.

Sarah does absolutely amazing work. I'm missing her as she galavants around the globe.

DECEMBER 10-11, 2016

Mother Neff had a Christmas event and I brought some friends along! Mother Neff events are fun, PLUS we have a beautiful headquarters, which makes the partying EXTRA jazzy.

They had a campsite decorating contest. This is what you can do with borrowing/dollar store items.

Camping with friends is the BEST! And these people were great. Would 10/10 go with them again.

DECEMBER 22, 2016

Then Melissa, the park superintendent had a party and it was a good bit of fun :)  I didn't take photos, so I have screenshots from videos. The human hiding behind this caption is Daniel, one of the park employees. He's pretty cool!

This photo literally says it all.

JANUARY 1, 2017

On January 1, we had our first day hikes. Mother Neff topped the attendance charts with 549 people walking our trails! It was a fun day of dogs, humans, and nature. Photo taken by Ky Harkey.

I helped out Jeremy and Ky with guiding our longer hikes. I got my 'official' on with my ambassador name tag and a walkie   talkie.

JANUARY 8-10, 2017

During this trip, I was filming some videos and taking some more time for myself.

I also met up with my park superintendent and saw another ambassador, my friend Seph!

A perk I got for being an ambassador was staying in our CCC cabin for free and staying in the intern cabin as well.  I created some very cozy feels in those cabins.

The intern cabin!

My adventures are memories here are very dear and treasured. Thanks for taking time to step into my Mother Neff world. See you there soon!

Transitions & Natural Hair - Um, Dreads?? and Change

Okay! I get it! The young are capricious! It's kind of like having younger siblings - you want to tell them not to do the same stupid shit you did because you know how it ends...but they simply will not learn until they experience it for themselves. Same for parents to kids. The interplay between your personal knowledge and someone else's need for personal experience can be frustrating - or beautiful.

Life happens in stages of development. There are physical stages, like puberty and old age. There are psychological stages, which lead to increased maturity. Sometimes people miss certain stages. There are all kinds of theories on what the stages are, but we know for sure that we experience different things at different ages, and the lessons we learn (should) help us continue in maturity/wisdom. If you miss a stage, you can't typically progress to any other stage after that because each stage builds on the one before.

All of this to say, I'm deep inside of a searching/questioning/exploring phase. Sometimes I feel like circumstances rocket-launched me into this phase. Mostly, I'm very aware of the choices I've made to be here.  Occasionally I question if I should have gone through this sooner, but no matter - where I am now is where I am. Honestly? I love where I am. I FEEL WILD AND FREE.

It's tough, too. I'm no longer:
-a student
-a child
-employed
-a christian
-in a relationship

And all of these labels have provided each their own false sense of security before. Now, I'm naked, unbound by any group, label, identity and WOAH, if you've been here, you know it's scary. Maybe you never made it here and you crave it. How I wish everyone gets their own chance to be stripped of all the baggage put on by family and society.

What is happening in this stage? I'm all over the place wild, changing my hair every few months (hence, no longer having dreadlocks), exploring new places, searching for meaning in a workplace, attempting to be true to my deepest passions I've known since I was a tiny kid (when I was unexposed to the heartache and bias of the world).  I'm fighting to understand my intrinsic value as a human being - the value that isn't defined by what I do/can do, what I think/believe, what I look like, etc. In part, I wrote this blog to talk about my dreadlocks.

DREADLOCKS - they were short lived this time around. I suspect I might try them again, but who really knows? They were purposeful when I had them. Remember what I wrote before? When I was inside some intense transitions, I began working on dreading my hair.  It was helpful for me to have something tangible I could control with my hands while the rest of the world was spinning out of my control.  Eventually, when the dreads were a bit more normal, I did not make enough time to maintain them at the level I wanted.  I desired to feel confident with my hair, but I didn't make the choices to reach that confidence level.  My dreadlocks got very messy, and I no longer admired myself with them.  So I took them out.  It was rapid and it was unexpected, but it was right. I made yet another change in my life, and now I'm blogging about it. Typical!

In all truthfulness, though, I'm sharing this to tell you - it's okay to change.  It's actually okay to do something different, something out of the ordinary. Also, you're allowed to return to something you left. My parents choose to believe I'm still a "Christian" or "believer" in order to make it through another day. My sister Shanna has left the door open for returning to Christianity (and I've left it open vice versa; more on my transition away from my childhood belief system in the future). I'm putting in the work in accepting the rapid unsureness of my present stage. While I don't plan on returning to anything of my past any time soon, my hair has been a safe place to practice change and transition. What a gift.

Now, I'm rocking my natural hair again, and I love it! Since I recently began exploring going natural with the rest of my body (growing out my armpit hair, eyebrow/unibrow hair and leg/toe hair), it makes sense to return my head hair to its natural state. It's like completing a puzzle. The last piece, at least for now, was saying goodbye to my dreadlocks. So many people loved them and met me for their first time when I had them.

Yet I'm shuffling the puzzle pieces all the time, all the same. Here's a quote from an empowering Ted talk about being in your 20s:

"These are the facts... We know that personality changes more during your 20s than at any other time in life, and we know that female fertility peaks at age 28, and things get tricky after age 35. So your 20s are the time to educate yourself about your body and your options."

 Honestly, it does no good to look down on millennials for their wild changes. Every adult goes through being in their 20s. Give this Ted talk a listen, no matter what age you are, and get on board with empowering 20 year olds.

What does this have anything to do with all the major shifts happening in the world right now? When you connect someone to the freedom to choose their own path and change their mind, you open doors for authentic, active change. When you quit requiring young people to appropriate their true self to religion or law, you will see good changes happen. Once again, I'm offering this small story in hopes that one less person will feel alone in their wild, shifting, changing 20s. I'm really hoping you listen to the Ted talk and feel proud to embody the stage you're in. Being in your 20s doesn't mean you have a decade to waste. It's the PRIME time to put in the work that will impact the rest of your life.  I used to tell people my age coupled with the phrase, "I'm just a baby." Now I'm closer to feeling confident when I say I'm in my early 20s. And it's tough, but I'm putting in the work. Here's to changing!!

Some days they rocked!

Bye bye dreadies.

Enjoying my natural hair again. I lost half my volume! #DoItForTheTwenties

Bare Naked in Winter

I love deciduous trees in winter, when they are naked before me and I can see into their souls.  What do I see beneath the eaves of trees with no leaves? What lies behind their wintry hibernation?  Which knocks reach their dormant doors?

Survival - 

Slow...everything...moves...so...slowly... until it seems nothing is happening at all.  Water quits moving to their tips; their dry bark huddles to pause all glowy growth and energy flow. Self-preservation looks a lot like trees in the winter - slowing life down to become centered again, grounded in a sense. Pausing the overwhelming flow of energy that comes with spring, fall, summer and simmering down to my core.  I want to make it through another winter.  I become bare naked, like the trees.

Raw Beauty - 

With my skin exposed, the natural elements take a special toll.  Wind knocks off many of my dead branches, people look at me a lot less often, I break at the cracks.  I feel so much less beautiful, in all honesty.  But, on certain days, I enjoy my own raw beauty, and I sing along with the sore throat of the dry tree bones.

Skeleton Hopelessness - 

Dry bones that sometimes make me feel it will never end. Winter is going to stay around forever, my lips will always be chapped, and I will always remain unloved. I feel weak, thin, frail, crackly, and flat-out hopeless.  I'm dead inside, yet I still have potential to thrive.

Eager Hopefulness - 

And then I feel it once again.  My nakedness is only for a time.  I desire to love it for what it is - a clearing of my palette for a new time of growth.  I'm not growing weaker, I'm growing stronger.  Every single day that I survive the winter in my nakedness, I become woven into the strength of the earth. 

I see the trees as a mirror, reflecting everything about me.  Things are seasons. Sometimes people are seasons.  It doesn't mean it hurts any less when they fall away.  I imagine trees have some kind of grief over their lost leaves they've nurtured for two seasons.  Maybe the colors are a sweet farewell in the fall, to make the hard time ahead just a little more bearable.

To all my dead leaves, I miss you.  You will always be a part of my history, a part of my story of survival, a part of my memories of thriving.  I love you and I know you will make your way back to me.  As you decompose and seep into the earth, your love is recycled into my roots and tubes.  I think this is the only way I know how to let you go - in believing you're never really leaving, just changing the way you love me. I'm bare naked in winter, and I'm excited for spring.  For now, I dance, unabashedly. Winter is just one season.

A Quiet Post

When I was younger, I wrote secret things to secret nobodies. I forged little passive notes of love or agression, tucked them in public spaces, and hoped the one person I wanted to read them would not only find them, but read them and ALSO know they were from me to him.

In this present day, I remember that feeling of hope which penetrated my entire being. My naivety back then sure colored my world a bright, passionate Pollock of hope and desire. It was a survival tool to help me through the angsty hormonal teenage years, and as I'm in the midst of my angsty young 20s, I remember my passivity.

Truth is, it's an option. Most nights are silent pockets of lonely, hoping for a phone call or a message yet doing nothing to be connected to anyone else. Most nights see my mind raging through lists of possible ways to medicate my lonely. Drink? Smoke? Sex? Netflix? Instagram? What's the next distraction?

A solid community cannot be taken for granted. It also doesn't appear out of the blue. On this night, as I reflect on all the ways I've chosen to assuage my lonely, I feel I'm coming full circle to my passivity. Posting a quiet blog entry. Yet, I know inside, I'm not who I was before. I'm no longer the passive kind. I think I can see now how the circles of life repeat, yet show us the distances we've conquered each round. I'm far from where I was before.

Back to community. In an ideal world, no one would ever feel alone. Yet, the yin-yang begs to say, how would we ever appreciate community? Human touch? Another's presence? So on this night, I choose to medicate with silent honesty to myself - I'm alone, yet I know it won't be forever. I'm in a world full of beautiful, hurting, healing people. In this quiet stillness, my anticipation of community and genuine human contact could not be larger. When it comes, I will be ready. For now, I know I'm by myself, and it's actually okay.

Coming Home to My DNA - Unibrow Power

Let's FACE it...there's something different about my appearance. I grow hair smack in the middle of my face, between my eyes and above my nose. Unibrow, monobrow, Frida Kahlo, Hey Arnold, whatever you want to call it, it's a part of me. Inside of my recent transitions/chaos, I didn't spend as much time keeping up with my appearance, and one day I noticed dark hairs growing where I normally never allow them. As I sat down with tweezers and a mirror, I finally approached the thought of, "why do I alter this about myself?" At any other time, I wouldn't have asked myself this. Or, I wouldn't have addressed the question. This time, I asked the question inside of a million other questions I was asking about my life, so it had a place.

The story is simple - when I was in fourth or fifth grade, a girl in my class pointed out that I have a unibrow. I don't remember anything else about the situation, besides that we were in the hallway. Was she making fun of me? Was she being factual? Was she showing off knowledge she learned recently? Whatever the case, from that point on, I no longer had a unibrow. Since elementary school, I learned the magical art of tweezer wielding.

It doesn't sound like too much of a big deal upfront. In fact, people would compliment my hard-earned eyebrows (back when I had two...). When I began questioning how I felt about my face, however, I noticed a lot of things were packed into shaping my eyebrows - things I no longer wished to carry.  There's a joke about people with a monobrow - one of their fears is if they were ever in a coma, they'd wake up with one! My anxiety about my facial hair came with the thought that if I were ever to be trapped on an island (because everyone just imagines this kind of stuff right?) I would  be a hairy mess. Silly fear, but I was about ready to FACE it!

So what did I do?? First, as it was growing out, I told my closer companions. I wanted to avoid some awkwardness when they would see me for the first time. Next, I eventually built up courage to do an Instagram story on my unibrow. I asked people to tell me their honest opinions - and they did! What was the next logical step of action? A photoshoot of course! Here is what came of it:

 My friend Sarah was offering photoshoots to fundraise for her next big adventure, so I snagged to opportunity to be showered by her magical talent. I told her my only priority was to capture my eyebrow. (By the way, we took these photos at Mother Neff State Park! It was cold, rainy, and perfect. Be on the lookout for my next blog about the ambassador program I am a part of.)

TRUTHS ABOUT THE EYEBROW:

1. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. It's definitely counter to our eyebrow-crazy society's expectations of what beauty is. A lot of times I feel incredibly beautiful. Other times, I feel foreign to myself. It changes the dynamic of my facial features, and I'm still adjusting to the way it looks.
2. I always wonder what people are thinking (if they are thinking about it) and I'm always curious to know other's opinions. Your opinion may not sway me, but it helps me fill in (lol, eyebrow puns) the surrounding experience of my eyebrow. Some people don't like it, and they recognize this is because of our society's expectations. Some people love how goofy it is! Some people tell me I should get rid of it. Some people have said absolutely nothing as well. What about you??
3. It's still growing! The hairs spent most of my life being "killed" before they had any chance to see the light. Now that I'm allowing them to be free, they just keep coming and I'm constantly amazed at how much hair is a part of my face!

Here is a quote I snagged from Wikipedia on the unibrow:

"In both Ancient Greek and Roman cultures, unibrows were prized as beautiful, desirable features worn by the most intelligent and lusted-after women."

Heck yes. I'm definitely boosting myself here. Regardless of what is true or not, the whole point of this story I'm sharing is that I'm learning how to come home to my body as it is.  How else has this coming-home-to-me shown up? Well, I have pretty hairy legs and hairy armpits (I always let people know, I have more armpit hair in one pit than all four of my brothers' armpit hairs put together - not to put them down or anything). I've let these grow out. Truthfully, most of my family is absolutely repulsed by my hairiness, so don't feel bad if you are too. My challenge for you is to ask yourself why. Why? Why is hair, such a natural and purposeful thing, so stigmatized on women? It's more than okay to love your clean-shaven legs, arms, armpits, and other areas. I'm starting to realize, it's more than okay to love the hairs as they grow, too. Here's to growth!!!

If you enjoy my stories/writing and are interested in receiving them as they come, subscribe to my blog via email :) There's a link on the right. (If you're on a mobile version, scroll down to the bottom and click 'view web version') See you via email!

She's beauty and she's grace.