WHY DID YOU DO DREADS?!
I get this question sometimes. For the most part, people really appreciate my dreads, and those kind words are always great to add to my bucket. Everyone has a different reason for choosing to turn their head into dreadlocks, and I thought I'd take the opportunity of explaining my dreads to also explain a lot of what has been going on in my life. Here's some light for the mystery I feel I have been these past months.
With every transition, big or small, I have small rituals that help me make the switch. You probably do this as well. One of my timeless rituals is doing something with my hair. Sometimes I do small things to my hair, like change the direction of my hairline part or get a trim. I've henna dyed it several times, got highlights and dyed it a few times (when I was younger), I've donated it a few times, etc. Recently, I've made some MAJOR transitions and changes in my life, and I chose to translate my transitions into dreadlocks.
I have always appreciated and loved my hair. I was born with a lot of hair and am just a very hairy human (much unlike society's mold for women). I did not turn my hair into dreads because I hated my hair, nor did I choose to do so because I didn't feel like taking care of my hair (contrary to what most people believe, great dreadlocks take a lot of care and maintenance, most of which is very calming and mellowing for me). It helps me to have something tangible to control and touch when all the abstract and conceptual changes are taking place in my life. Hence, changing my hair. I can't control all of the changes, but I can choose to accept and be a part of the change by physically making a change to something (and as I keep saying, my hair is one of those things). Make sense? Could probably be more clear, and I'm working on that.
So, what's been going on, Leah? If you follow me (or view my life) through Instagram, you're probably already aware of several things that have taken place. Instagram has been my medium for connection throughout this time. My friend group is different from Instagram to Facebook, and I have felt a lot safer sharing many things with my Instagram friends as opposed to my Facebook friends. I think now I'm about ready to just say some of what has happened:
I no longer identify with Christianity. This might be the most surprising for the majority of my community because I was born and raised inside of Christianity, PLUS I got a Bachelor of Arts in Christian Studies at the private, baptist university of Mary Hardin-Baylor AND I completed one year in SEMINARY at Baylor. Along with that, I chose to be a leader inside of my Christian communities and many people honored my strengths in those areas. It's been a long time coming and I have a very complex and nuanced story to tell concerning my shifting beliefs. I've noticed that not too many people are interested in the complexity of my response. Most people can ask a few questions but after I explain some things, they seem to leave the conversations with some version of their own explanation. WOAH, lots of words - yet I am speaking for myself in saying I've never felt more free and at peace with life. I'm so thankful for the many people who have been safe places to work through this specific transition. Which leads me to -
I quit seminary. Grad school drop out, wooo! In all seriousness, I'm so very thankful for everyone I met and everything I learned in my one year at Truett. Seminarians are very interesting and truly are figuring out how to best care for the people and world around them. It most certainly wasn't for me. I made the decision after I chose to abandon my former belief system, but there is a lot included in my decision to quit. One of those factors was the lack of diversity in faculty at Truett. Of course there is a lot more, and this was a major switch of my life path.
I went to Indonesia for two months over the summer and came back. There are a lot of loose ends concerning this trip. It was associated with the Cooperative Baptist Fellowship and I went on this trip right inside of my "switch" to non-Christianity (which, I don't have any other labels for myself at the moment and I'm exploring all kinds of things). This meant that I was a part of an organization in which I didn't agree with their purpose, and that was difficult to balance. I learned a lot and met some amazing humans, yet there was also a lot of damage done and... one month before I left for Indonesia I found out -
Nathan Lloyd committed suicide. Not a lot of people know, but I had a very deep relationship with Nathan and I loved him dearly. I hadn't spoken to him for some time, and his death has been an immense time of grief and pain.
I moved back to Georgetown, TX. Leaving Waco happened quickly. It also happened very easily. I returned home and carved out a safe space in which to grieve, which I hadn't done and which I dearly needed (and still need) to do. Leaving Waco meant leaving an amazing community and a great job place, and it also meant moving back "home" where I grew up. After being out of the house for several years, that transition has been very interesting and humbling.
I ended a relationship. Inside of all of this, I ended a relationship. That's never ever ever an easy thing.
So if you're wondering either "why dreadlocks?" or "what's been going on with Leah?" this is a little bit of what's been going on.
WHERE IS THE GRATITUDE?
My goal is to share my life in vulnerability because I know others are going through similar or have gone through similar things, and I hate when people feel alone, especially because I hate feeling alone. If you are uncomfortable with my vulnerability, I charge you to question yourself and discover why. If you connect with my stories, I charge you to let me know! I love hearing from people who connect and care and I love sharing moments of healing.
I have so much more to come, and I hope you are becoming more receptive to exploring your own questions and making your own big changes. Freedom is calling, my friends!
<3 Leah
