Here's to the Fall

It's the first day of fall. I saw this photo this morning on Instagram:

And I just about left work for the day 3 hours early, it made me so happy. I absolutely love nature (as you may well know), and I love the way nature speaks. All the great poets did/do. All the simple farmers did/do. It's a treasure beyond our own language. 

Then I started thinking about fall itself. In the category of generations, fall is the season of abundance. Last fall I felt abundantly depressed. This fall, I'm heading that same direction. A lot has been going on (more on that in the future). 

I also heard this quote today from this scene in Shameless season 4, episode 12 (*spoilers ahead*):

"But you a grown up. There comes a point in time that you gotta take control of your own life. Whatever you from, whoever did you wrong, didn't do what they were supposed to do, wasn't being who they was supposed to be — it's just you. No more excuses."

And then I thought, "Damn. That's true."

This scene is from the second time Fiona got released from jail. Her probation officer is telling her that she has to be accountable for her own actions now. Regardless of what people have done to her before, she has to choose for herself now.

Of course I'm not gonna stop working through and recovering from all that's happened in the past. This tough love isn't what anyone needs all the time. We need moments to hold ourselves, tell ourselves it's gonna be okay, that the pain won't last forever.

But I remembered today that all the shit from my parents and family, past lovers, old friends, cruel authorities— it's not me. I am me. No one can be me for me. 

It's time to take up my own shit and quit holding on to old relics of past pain. 

Here is to the fall.

I Am She and She is Me

she is me.

an excerpt from the heartbroken diaries - 

there was a boy who broke my heart. actually there were five. we were all a swirl of ambition and heartache, the six of us.  we were kids and we were lovers. and he broke my heart. and i broke his. and i'm a creep so i saw the girl whose heart was a part of the swirl before and i realized we are one and the same. isn't it funny how nature works out that way? how it is so desperate to heal from all the wounds? it wants to heal and it connects us with the medium to heal but not the tools we need. that's what humans are supposed to be for. but instead we keep on breaking and aching and trying again.

i am she.

in all her hopeful ways. in all her beauty and her pain and her strength. we are the same. different in ways i will never know. same in the ways that matter, that help me heal.  you see, she is a lover and a fighter.  she wants to change and grow, and hell, so do i. that's why all five of them came into our lives. because we just wanted to evolve into the amazing humans we are becoming.  we know the deepest change comes from a long relationship, full of dirty work and shameless commitment. thing is, we won't quit searching. evolution is in favor of the woman, and we are resilient creatures, made to suffer through the toughest of the tough, made to smooth the roughest of the rough - so we gather the broken edges of wonderful partners and we swear we are going to change the world. one love at a time. and we wake up and greet new days.  through the depression, numbness, anxiety, panic, manic, trauma, we allow our strong, weathered, weary hearts to see another winter, another spring, another summer, another lover. and then....we fall.