Coming Home to My DNA - Unibrow Power

Let's FACE it...there's something different about my appearance. I grow hair smack in the middle of my face, between my eyes and above my nose. Unibrow, monobrow, Frida Kahlo, Hey Arnold, whatever you want to call it, it's a part of me. Inside of my recent transitions/chaos, I didn't spend as much time keeping up with my appearance, and one day I noticed dark hairs growing where I normally never allow them. As I sat down with tweezers and a mirror, I finally approached the thought of, "why do I alter this about myself?" At any other time, I wouldn't have asked myself this. Or, I wouldn't have addressed the question. This time, I asked the question inside of a million other questions I was asking about my life, so it had a place.

The story is simple - when I was in fourth or fifth grade, a girl in my class pointed out that I have a unibrow. I don't remember anything else about the situation, besides that we were in the hallway. Was she making fun of me? Was she being factual? Was she showing off knowledge she learned recently? Whatever the case, from that point on, I no longer had a unibrow. Since elementary school, I learned the magical art of tweezer wielding.

It doesn't sound like too much of a big deal upfront. In fact, people would compliment my hard-earned eyebrows (back when I had two...). When I began questioning how I felt about my face, however, I noticed a lot of things were packed into shaping my eyebrows - things I no longer wished to carry.  There's a joke about people with a monobrow - one of their fears is if they were ever in a coma, they'd wake up with one! My anxiety about my facial hair came with the thought that if I were ever to be trapped on an island (because everyone just imagines this kind of stuff right?) I would  be a hairy mess. Silly fear, but I was about ready to FACE it!

So what did I do?? First, as it was growing out, I told my closer companions. I wanted to avoid some awkwardness when they would see me for the first time. Next, I eventually built up courage to do an Instagram story on my unibrow. I asked people to tell me their honest opinions - and they did! What was the next logical step of action? A photoshoot of course! Here is what came of it:

 My friend Sarah was offering photoshoots to fundraise for her next big adventure, so I snagged to opportunity to be showered by her magical talent. I told her my only priority was to capture my eyebrow. (By the way, we took these photos at Mother Neff State Park! It was cold, rainy, and perfect. Be on the lookout for my next blog about the ambassador program I am a part of.)

TRUTHS ABOUT THE EYEBROW:

1. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. It's definitely counter to our eyebrow-crazy society's expectations of what beauty is. A lot of times I feel incredibly beautiful. Other times, I feel foreign to myself. It changes the dynamic of my facial features, and I'm still adjusting to the way it looks.
2. I always wonder what people are thinking (if they are thinking about it) and I'm always curious to know other's opinions. Your opinion may not sway me, but it helps me fill in (lol, eyebrow puns) the surrounding experience of my eyebrow. Some people don't like it, and they recognize this is because of our society's expectations. Some people love how goofy it is! Some people tell me I should get rid of it. Some people have said absolutely nothing as well. What about you??
3. It's still growing! The hairs spent most of my life being "killed" before they had any chance to see the light. Now that I'm allowing them to be free, they just keep coming and I'm constantly amazed at how much hair is a part of my face!

Here is a quote I snagged from Wikipedia on the unibrow:

"In both Ancient Greek and Roman cultures, unibrows were prized as beautiful, desirable features worn by the most intelligent and lusted-after women."

Heck yes. I'm definitely boosting myself here. Regardless of what is true or not, the whole point of this story I'm sharing is that I'm learning how to come home to my body as it is.  How else has this coming-home-to-me shown up? Well, I have pretty hairy legs and hairy armpits (I always let people know, I have more armpit hair in one pit than all four of my brothers' armpit hairs put together - not to put them down or anything). I've let these grow out. Truthfully, most of my family is absolutely repulsed by my hairiness, so don't feel bad if you are too. My challenge for you is to ask yourself why. Why? Why is hair, such a natural and purposeful thing, so stigmatized on women? It's more than okay to love your clean-shaven legs, arms, armpits, and other areas. I'm starting to realize, it's more than okay to love the hairs as they grow, too. Here's to growth!!!

If you enjoy my stories/writing and are interested in receiving them as they come, subscribe to my blog via email :) There's a link on the right. (If you're on a mobile version, scroll down to the bottom and click 'view web version') See you via email!

She's beauty and she's grace. 

Mini Backpacking Adventure - Goodwater Loop, Georgetown TX

"The Good Water loop of the San Gabriel River Trail at Lake Georgetown is a 28 mile trail that passes through dense Oak/Ashe Juniper forest, bottomland hardwoods and prairie grasslands. The trail extends from Booty's Road Park operated by the City of Georgetown to Overlook Park and completely circles the lake. Careful planning is encouraged before going for a hike."

Lake Georgetown has a quaint and well-maintained trail that follows around the body of water, known as the Goodwater Loop. It's not a foreign concept to hike the full loop. You can find the adventures of some of the 'thru' hikers here.

One of the great aspects of this trail is that you can spend nights on it for free! There are four primitive campsites along the trail, and the whole of the trail is full of beautiful views of the lake, waterfalls, streams, and woods.

Obviously, anyone can plan their own trip. Click here for a link to the trail map and trail rules. I'd love to do this mini-adventure with others, and I'm opening the conversation for ideas! The possibilities are literally endless. Here are some of my thoughts:

• A beginner backpacking trip for those interested in exploring the outdoors out of their backpack but are nervous and unsure of how to begin.
• A leadership trip for those who want to lead backpacking and desire to gain more skills in the outdoors plus working with people and groups.
• A general for-fun meet-up for those who just love pocketing new trails.
• An educational trip to learn details of the flora and fauna of the trail/area and other basic facts about natural resources.
• ALL/AND/OR of the above! Combined, multiple trips, etc.!

No matter what type of trip(s) it ends up being, we would be doing trash clean up for the entire trail and practicing Leave No Trace. These ideas stem out of the motivation to love my local area. My journey back to my hometown of Georgetown was not planned, and I'm determined to make the most of my time here (and I already am!)

I'm also an ambassador for a state park (Mother Neff State Park in Moody!) and I'll be writing on what that means and what I'm doing with that very soon! You'll find me at state parks the minute I have the chance. (This is just FYI, for those who are tracking my nature adze

It's a fun ambition, to love my local and state natural areas. I want you to do the same! So.....if you are interested in any of the above, SEND ME YOUR FEEDBACK! Facebook, Instagram, text, email - I want to hear from you.

I can't do it alone. OKAY, technically I could. What fun would that be?? Anything goes, so don't hesitate to send me whatever type of idea or thought you have!

Meanwhile, here are some beautiful photos of the loop:

To Be Not Alone - Pain Intimacy

Can I meet your pain with mine? Can we just spend the afternoon holding each other? I don't want to be alone anymore. I hate this feeling of being alone. Please, let's share our pain. Just for one night.

Maybe they can just say hello. Maybe they can share the common knowledge that there's no fix, just endurance. Maybe we can laugh together at all the people saying "it will go away" or "you'll be okay." Because we know we don't really need to be okay. We need space to be a mess. So let's be un-okay together. Let's fall asleep in each other's chaos, because I don't want to be alone anymore.

And this isn't passing any time soon.
So let's just admit — one night won't do.
Let's admit, we know we aren't the remedy.
So let's be. Just be. Next to each other.
Being.

Holding On

I am you, little leaf - 

So afraid

to let go.

What if I let go

and nothing goes

according to plan?

What if I have

no soft place to land?

So for now 

we hold on

Just one

moment

longer.

The Switch - Transitions & Dreadlocks

WHY DID YOU DO DREADS?!

I get this question sometimes. For the most part, people really appreciate my dreads, and those kind words are always great to add to my bucket. Everyone has a different reason for choosing to turn their head into dreadlocks, and I thought I'd take the opportunity of explaining my dreads to also explain a lot of what has been going on in my life. Here's some light for the mystery I feel I have been these past months.

With every transition, big or small, I have small rituals that help me make the switch. You probably do this as well. One of my timeless rituals is doing something with my hair. Sometimes I do small things to my hair, like change the direction of my hairline part or get a trim. I've henna dyed it several times, got highlights and dyed it a few times (when I was younger), I've donated it a few times, etc. Recently, I've made some MAJOR transitions and changes in my life, and I chose to translate my transitions into dreadlocks.

I have always appreciated and loved my hair. I was born with a lot of hair and am just a very hairy human (much unlike society's mold for women). I did not turn my hair into dreads because I hated my hair, nor did I choose to do so because I didn't feel like taking care of my hair (contrary to what most people believe, great dreadlocks take a lot of care and maintenance, most of which is very calming and mellowing for me). It helps me to have something tangible to control and touch when all the abstract and conceptual changes are taking place in my life. Hence, changing my hair. I can't control all of the changes, but I can choose to accept and be a part of the change by physically making a change to something (and as I keep saying, my hair is one of those things). Make sense? Could probably be more clear, and I'm working on that.

So, what's been going on, Leah? If you follow me (or view my life) through Instagram, you're probably already aware of several things that have taken place. Instagram has been my medium for connection throughout this time. My friend group is different from Instagram to Facebook, and I have felt a lot safer sharing many things with my Instagram friends as opposed to my Facebook friends. I think now I'm about ready to just say some of what has happened:

I no longer identify with Christianity. This might be the most surprising for the majority of my community because I was born and raised inside of Christianity, PLUS I got a Bachelor of Arts in Christian Studies at the private, baptist university of Mary Hardin-Baylor AND I completed one year in SEMINARY at Baylor. Along with that, I chose to be a leader inside of my Christian communities and many people honored my strengths in those areas. It's been a long time coming and I have a very complex and nuanced story to tell concerning my shifting beliefs. I've noticed that not too many people are interested in the complexity of my response. Most people can ask a few questions but after I explain some things, they seem to leave the conversations with some version of their own explanation. WOAH, lots of words - yet I am speaking for myself in saying I've never felt more free and at peace with life. I'm so thankful for the many people who have been safe places to work through this specific transition. Which leads me to -

I quit seminary. Grad school drop out, wooo! In all seriousness, I'm so very thankful for everyone I met and everything I learned in my one year at Truett. Seminarians are very interesting and truly are figuring out how to best care for the people and world around them. It most certainly wasn't for me. I made the decision after I chose to abandon my former belief system, but there is a lot included in my decision to quit. One of those factors was the lack of diversity in faculty at Truett. Of course there is a lot more, and this was a major switch of my life path.

I went to Indonesia for two months over the summer and came back. There are a lot of loose ends concerning this trip. It was associated with the Cooperative Baptist Fellowship and I went on this trip right inside of my "switch" to non-Christianity (which, I don't have any other labels for myself at the moment and I'm exploring all kinds of things). This meant that I was a part of an organization in which I didn't agree with their purpose, and that was difficult to balance. I learned a lot and met some amazing humans, yet there was also a lot of damage done and... one month before I left for Indonesia I found out -

Nathan Lloyd committed suicide. Not a lot of people know, but I had a very deep relationship with Nathan and I loved him dearly. I hadn't spoken to him for some time, and his death has been an immense time of grief and pain.

I moved back to Georgetown, TX. Leaving Waco happened quickly. It also happened very easily. I returned home and carved out a safe space in which to grieve, which I hadn't done and which I dearly needed (and still need) to do. Leaving Waco meant leaving an amazing community and a great job place, and it also meant moving back "home" where I grew up. After being out of the house for several years, that transition has been very interesting and humbling.

I ended a relationship. Inside of all of this, I ended a relationship. That's never ever ever an easy thing.

So if you're wondering either "why dreadlocks?" or "what's been going on with Leah?" this is a little bit of what's been going on.

WHERE IS THE GRATITUDE?

I have so much gratitude for all the amazing humans who have helped and encouraged me inside of this time. I have been extremely distant from even some of the closest humans who knew me the most, and that's never an easy feeling to experience on top of everything else. Yet I have not been alone through all of this. Moment by moment, various humans have taught me what is worth living for each day. For all of you, I am so grateful. You fill me with the deepest gratitude.

My goal is to share my life in vulnerability because I know others are going through similar or have gone through similar things, and I hate when people feel alone, especially because I hate feeling alone. If you are uncomfortable with my vulnerability, I charge you to question yourself and discover why. If you connect with my stories, I charge you to let me know! I love hearing from people who connect and care and I love sharing moments of healing.

I have so much more to come, and I hope you are becoming more receptive to exploring your own questions and making your own big changes. Freedom is calling, my friends!

<3 Leah

Here's to the Fall

It's the first day of fall. I saw this photo this morning on Instagram:

And I just about left work for the day 3 hours early, it made me so happy. I absolutely love nature (as you may well know), and I love the way nature speaks. All the great poets did/do. All the simple farmers did/do. It's a treasure beyond our own language. 

Then I started thinking about fall itself. In the category of generations, fall is the season of abundance. Last fall I felt abundantly depressed. This fall, I'm heading that same direction. A lot has been going on (more on that in the future). 

I also heard this quote today from this scene in Shameless season 4, episode 12 (*spoilers ahead*):

"But you a grown up. There comes a point in time that you gotta take control of your own life. Whatever you from, whoever did you wrong, didn't do what they were supposed to do, wasn't being who they was supposed to be — it's just you. No more excuses."

And then I thought, "Damn. That's true."

This scene is from the second time Fiona got released from jail. Her probation officer is telling her that she has to be accountable for her own actions now. Regardless of what people have done to her before, she has to choose for herself now.

Of course I'm not gonna stop working through and recovering from all that's happened in the past. This tough love isn't what anyone needs all the time. We need moments to hold ourselves, tell ourselves it's gonna be okay, that the pain won't last forever.

But I remembered today that all the shit from my parents and family, past lovers, old friends, cruel authorities— it's not me. I am me. No one can be me for me. 

It's time to take up my own shit and quit holding on to old relics of past pain. 

Here is to the fall.

I Am She and She is Me

she is me.

an excerpt from the heartbroken diaries - 

there was a boy who broke my heart. actually there were five. we were all a swirl of ambition and heartache, the six of us.  we were kids and we were lovers. and he broke my heart. and i broke his. and i'm a creep so i saw the girl whose heart was a part of the swirl before and i realized we are one and the same. isn't it funny how nature works out that way? how it is so desperate to heal from all the wounds? it wants to heal and it connects us with the medium to heal but not the tools we need. that's what humans are supposed to be for. but instead we keep on breaking and aching and trying again.

i am she.

in all her hopeful ways. in all her beauty and her pain and her strength. we are the same. different in ways i will never know. same in the ways that matter, that help me heal.  you see, she is a lover and a fighter.  she wants to change and grow, and hell, so do i. that's why all five of them came into our lives. because we just wanted to evolve into the amazing humans we are becoming.  we know the deepest change comes from a long relationship, full of dirty work and shameless commitment. thing is, we won't quit searching. evolution is in favor of the woman, and we are resilient creatures, made to suffer through the toughest of the tough, made to smooth the roughest of the rough - so we gather the broken edges of wonderful partners and we swear we are going to change the world. one love at a time. and we wake up and greet new days.  through the depression, numbness, anxiety, panic, manic, trauma, we allow our strong, weathered, weary hearts to see another winter, another spring, another summer, another lover. and then....we fall. 

"I've Been Afraid Of Changing" - Growth Resources for Expanding Your Love!

Get ready to jump in!

I've quoted it in a blog before, but I love the lyrics in "Landslide":

"Can I sail through the changin' ocean tides?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I've been afraid of changin'

'Cause I've built my life around you

But time makes you bolder

Even children get older

And I'm getting older too

And I'm getting older too"

You are one-of-a-kind. Scientifically, there is no one exactly like you. Your thoughts are valid. Your experiences are valid. Who you are is valid. You are allowed to be you. In fact, it is one of your biggest callings. Calling from what? From who? God? The Universe? Science? Whatever the case, the depths of who you are cry out to be listened to and cultivated. In understanding the deep intricacies of your own biology, spirituality, and physicality, you may begin to see how each person has all their own very complex identities. 

I have discovered a wonderful world of personal growth and development! I was tired of doing the same things over and over again, not understanding how to change the behaviors I was so aware of that needed changing. Not everyone is at this point, but if you are here - if you have questions about yourself, about the meaning of life, and about changing the things about you that you know are not good - I am here to share some resources that have helped me immensely: 

THE OVERWHELMED BRAIN

http://theoverwhelmedbrain.com by Paul Colaianni.

I went through a period of depression (and still have various seasons). During this time, I had no resources for understanding my experience.  In the religious circles I was a part of, we were discussing depression, but it did not provide practical steps for moving forward. Generally speaking, some religious groups believe in a healing power from God alone. If this is you, I do not mean to negate your beliefs. What I am saying, though, is that for me personally, there was no spiritual remedy. I could not afford counseling at the time (which, counseling is also another religious taboo for some), and I knew I needed help because I didn't want to stay this way forever. By some wild chance, I happened upon the PODCAST world, and this was the first one. The Overwhelmed Brain speaks to those going through anxiety, depression, and relationship struggles. The podcast host, Paul Colaianni, shares his personal experiences from failed marriages and frustrating habits. He laughs and goes deep. I highly encourage you to check out what he has to say if you are going through any of these struggles. Paul's show was not the only solution, but his stories and discussion provided a caveat for gaining resources to help myself and accept help from others. These podcasts also contributed to me beginning my journey to self-compassion and having deeper compassion for others. 

PERSONALITY HACKER

http://theoverwhelmedbrain.com  by Joel Mark Witt & Antonia Dodge.

I cannot begin to tell you how useful this resource has been! Once again, I began listening to their podcast shows. I know many people have been exposed to personality tests (like Meyers Briggs) in different ways. For me, it was a mostly brand new exposure to the personality world. BUT WAIT! Before you dismiss these people as yet another one of those crazy personality test evangelists, Mark and Antonia do an incredible thing with personality resources. They introduce your personality as a wiring of the brain, not as behavioral tendencies. When they help articulate how your brain is wired and how it functions, they provide resources for being a balanced individual and how to grow in the best way possible. I wish I could just blab on and on about this! (And I often do...). But before you dismiss this group as yet another form of putting people in boxes, my personal experience with understanding myself through Personality Hacker has helped me outside of my mental box and helped me understand others in a far more complex and broader way! When I was younger, most of my family and cultural context consisted of extroverts. They would always tell me, "Get out of your shell!" and, "Quit being so antisocial!" So I became a sort of "fake" extrovert in order to survive. I never had the language for understanding my uniqueness as an introvert until recently. What a lot of healing to do!! This community has opened my eyes to my personal individuality and to that of others. I always make sure to let people know that I am not intending to put them in a box but am trying to get out of my own. 

THE SMART COUPLE

http://www.jaysongaddis.com/the-smart-couple-podcast/ by Jayson Gaddis.

This guy! He goes deep! Jayson Gaddis focuses on healthy and growing, dynamic relationships. After I began understanding myself as an individual, I finally felt I had resources to begin also exploring myself as an intimate partner. This podcast gives resources to do just that! The biggest thing Jayson taught me? How to understand men. He drives deep into the world of male conditioning and the disconnect most men feel due to the unnecessary pressures put on them by society. I almost became one of those flaming, angry feminists because I had been hurt by so many men in my family and religious circles. Through this podcast, I realized how difficult it is to be a man in most societies. I highly encourage all people to check out this podcast!!! 

ORDINARY LIFE & IMAGO

Imago Part 1 - http://www.ordinarylife.org/ordinary_life_podcast/2015/7/14/imago-relationship-therapy-part-one?rq=imago
Imago Part 2 - http://www.ordinarylife.org/ordinary_life_podcast/2015/7/21/imago-relationship-therapy-part-2?rq=imago
Imago Part 3 - http://www.ordinarylife.org/ordinary_life_podcast/2015/7/28/imago-relationship-theory-part-3?rq=imago

I'm least familiar with this podcast. What I am familiar with is the idea of Imago Relationship Therapy, which I listed above. I first heard of Imago through Personality Hacker (everything is connected!!) It blew my mind! This resource is truly life changing. The basic idea is that nature desires to heal itself. Our subconscious mind guides us to the same kind of relationships over and over again. Often times we find the same cycle of intimate relationships in our lives, all ending in the same sort of tragic heartbreak. Imago gives resources to bring the subconscious relationship world to the conscious mind. The idea is that we are attracted to people who will provide space for the most healing in our lives. This usually means we are attracted to people who have a lot of the same negative characteristics as our primary caregivers in childhood. The subconscious mind wants to sort of heal through trying to change our partners in ways we couldn't change our parents or caregivers, in order to heal. When we realize all of these subconscious tendencies, we can begin to heal without trying to force our partners to change. Instead, we can realize our triggers and help them understand theirs, among other new awareness techniques. With Imago, the whole idea is to evolve and change. If you are not seeking to change your own self, Imago will do very little to help. But if you want to understand yourself and your partner at a deeper level, this will help you! Even if you are not in a relationship, it helps in amazing ways. 


That's a lot of stuff! I hope you can make time to check out any or all of these resources if you are interested in growing and developing. I'm no longer afraid of changing. Can I handle the seasons of my life? I'm beginning to be more and more confident that I can, because now I have resources to guide me in changing and growing as new information and experiences come along.

I have a lot of work to do! So much more learning and growing to go! In fact, I plan on being on this journey forever. It takes daily work, like learning a new language. It is a new language of understanding and love. Once you enter this world, there is no going back! I dare you to get your toes wet in any of these resources. I hope they impact you positively, as they have for me.

Do you have any resources that have helped create a profound change in your life? Please share them with me! I come from a deep religious background, so I'm familiar with many Christian resources. At the moment, I'm exploring resources that general Christianity has not encouraged or guided me to. What do you have??

<3 -Leah

"I Never Thought I'd Meet Such Liberal Baptists"

And I'm on a wild journey of faith. 

But it's encouraging to hear a Methodist episcopalian say that.

So maybe I'm on an okay path. 

But no one has it figured out. 

So...I am on an okay path. 

I'm on my own path. 

And no one can take that away. 

Sailing: InternSHIP in Southeast Asia

I will not be sailing to Southeast Asia, praise the Lord. But I will be flying there in less than three weeks. Who would have thought?? This post is a little bit about this upcoming event in my life. 

First off, I just finished my first year of seminary. Crazy! It has been a wild ride. Along with beginning graduate school, I began the difficult journey of healing from various life events. While school has been a good challenge, learning about my self and taking time to heal has been a challenge, also, and neither of those stop for the other. You can say, in simple terms, it's been a rough year. I have done my best to be transparent with those close to me, but much of my pain and struggle has been beneath the surface. From the outside, I've seemed okay. On the inside, it's been hard. Praise God I have not been alone. 

Nevertheless, as I continue on in this journey, my path is directed overseas once again. You may know I have been to a few other countries (Philippines, India, etc.) so the fact that I am heading to another is no surprise. 

In this new journey I will be interning for two months.

I wish I could tell you everything I will be doing in these two months. As it happens, though, I cannot predict the future. Also, other countries don't function on the same frame of time as the U.S. Time is more relative and loose. 

I can tell you I will be engaging in relationships with university students. One of our main focuses is interfaith dialogue.

You may wonder why discussions about different faiths are important. Many people practice all sorts of different faiths, even under the same wing of beliefs. "The term interfaith dialogue refers to cooperative, constructive and positive interaction between people of different religious traditions (i.e., "faiths") and/or spiritual or humanistic beliefs, at both the individual and institutional levels." (Google search). 

It is about functioning in terms of humility and peace with people who are different than me. It is about recognizing the multitude of different beliefs and promoting awareness and peace among them. 

This is vastly important in our ever-changing and growing global society. In order to interact well with people of different cultures and beliefs, interfaith dialogue is of top priority.

The main purpose of this internship is to learn and grow in ways I never have before, which I believe is an invaluable way to spend my time and my life. This internship relates to my desire to understand various Asian cultures and how they relate to the divine. Please learn and grow with me. I cannot do this alone. I need monetary support to help cover travel costs, vaccinations, supplies, and at-home fees and payments while I am away. I have the support of my work place and of my community. Please join in my adventure. 

What other ways am I growing and taking practical action steps toward my life goals? The picture above was taken in Evanston, IL this past March at the PANAAWTM Conference. PANAAWTM stands for Pacific Asian and North American Asian Women in Theology and Ministry. Wow, right?! This conference includes the top writers and researchers in the related field of Asian/Asian American women in theology and ministry. It is a community of women dedicated to each other and this field. It is not a simple one, which is why it requires such a niche group of support. Here I grew in understanding of my place in this world of study. I also gained invaluable connections for my future goals. I will continue to be a part of this community for a long as God wills. 

"...and then she flew," is my motto for this trip. Flying means going for the winds of the unknown, stretching out my wings of adventure and trusting that with every flap I will be guided closer to where I believe God has called me. 

https://www.gofundme.com/23c23qs

Check out the link to my GoFundMe and consider joining my journey. 

Blessings,

-Leah

Not Okay At Night

"It is awfully easy to be hard-boiled about everything in the daytime, but at night it is another thing."

—The Sun Also Rises, E. Hemingway 

She Is

She is the comfort in the night

When all the day's tarrying toil melts into the sea of sheets 

She is the peace in the morning

When the soft sunlight nudges me into wakefulness 

She is the kiss on the forehead 

When I do something hard for the first time and make it through

She is the steady presence

That never once failed to meet me where I am 

She is the open door

When the rest of the world has shut me out for the night

Her welcoming light wraps me up

In the most nonjudgmental folds of sweet, sweet love 

She is the laughter that picks me up 

When I've fallen into puddles of embarrassment 

And she sheds her coat without hesitation 

To dry me off

And restore my beauty

She speaks to me in the pew

Surrounded by my fellow broken family

And she smiles as we stumble over old hymn lyrics

Peering into each of our aching hearts and joining our chorus of pain and ambition

Infusing our timid voices with harmonies of hope

She is the giver of the perfect song

To help me out of a depressed slump

She is the blanket in my closet

When the depression stays a while

I hide in her patterned arms

And she doesn't make me feel dirty

Or unwhole

Or pathetic 

Or low

When I can't find the strength

To meet the day 

She is grace from the trees

When the white petals of new spring blossoms float around

She is in the breeze 

As those petals take home on my eyelashes 

As they meet the ground beneath my feet 

She is the grace in the evening

The flame that takes the candle wick

And accompanies me through the loneliness 

She is all the controversial statements that the rest of the world runs from because she isn't afraid to challenge my small human perception of this one life I get to live

She will never fit into the box of any language

Yet here she is

With me

In me 

She is in the eaves of my soul

She is in the dancing 

The weeping 

The laughing

Of my being

She is in the soft paw of the fox

That roams in the night

She is in the rushing waterfall

That kissed my hair

She is in the soil

From which the flowers grow

And the worms make home

She is love

She is my God. 

Soul Fight or Flight: Vulnerability

I can pretend to be strong, but I can also embrace my weakness. Sometimes. Below is an online dictionary's definition of "fight-or-flight reaction":

fight-or-flight response. Dictionary.com. Dictionary.com Unabridged. Random House, Inc. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/fight-or-flight-response (accessed: February 24, 2016). 


Such a reaction is intrinsic in humans for survival. Today, however, this intrinsic reaction translates differently, as our world is no longer threatening us with the same things (i.e. saber tooth tigers back then vs. arguments today, mentioned in link below). I've been recently wanting to apply this term to my inner world, to the survival of my psyche. (Oooo, so spiritual....*wiggles fingers like magic*). But on a serious note, I'm not the first to do so. A quick Google search led me here, to this page on one person's view of the "fight-or-flight response." This quote stuck out to me the most:

"In most cases today, once our fight or flight response is activated, we cannot flee. We cannot fight. We cannot physically run from our perceived threats. When we are faced with modern day, saber tooth tigers, we have to sit in our office and "control ourselves." We have to sit in traffic and "deal with it." We have to wait until the bank opens to "handle" the bounced check. In short, many of the major stresses today trigger the full activation of our fight or flight response, causing us to become aggressive, hypervigilant and over-reactive."

As I'm trying to work this out in my brain, and as I parallel all of this to my "soul," it seems to be all the same and connected. When my inner world feels threatened, my soul prepares itself to fight or flee. Really though, I've been fighting to flee. Vulnerability. Let's pop in more to read, this time synonyms of vulnerable:

vulnerable. Thesaurus.com. Roget's 21st Century Thesaurus, Third Edition. Philip Lief Group 2009.http://www.thesaurus.com/browse/vulnerable (accessed: February 24, 2016).

BOOM. Exposed, unsafe, weak, susceptible, naked, tender, out on a limb, unguarded, wide open. Feel that shiver down your spine? Yeah, me too. When I am feeling vulnerable or when I am at a crossroads and choosing vulnerability is one of the options, I run the opposite direction faster than light. I'm a runner. I don't even know what it's like to fight through vulnerability, or if that's even the better option, or whatever. I just flee. Bye Felicia on that shit.

So here I am blogging about it. Because I know I'm not alone. And I know I can't run forever. To put how I feel into other words, this song may help do the trick:

Scarlet by Brooke Fraser (It was interesting to look up other people's ideas of song meanings. Whether or not there is an explicitly laid out song meaning, here is mine):

Middle of nowhere / Finally you can breathe / Nobody knows your name / It's easier

This is one of the best feelings of running away. When I'm far, I can breathe and remain unknown. And yes, it's quite easier. So easy to run.

Shut your eyes tightly / Clench your fists 'til they almost bleed / Cautiously, lightly / Gently expose what's underneath

But even when I'm far away and in hiding, I'm still not free from my vulnerability. It follows me, never letting go until I give it attention. I get angry at the feelings of vulnerability. I fight. Clench my fists. Yet it does not remain hidden to me.

And all you feel now / Is the scarlet in the day / Even if it's real / You can't stay...

For me, at this moment, the scarlet in the day is the truth of pain. The truth that I can't stay the same as I always have been, at least in the sense that I don't want to. And so, even if this scarlet feeling of vulnerability is real, I can't stay here. I have to move out of it.

[Chorus] So there you go / You're gone for good/ There you go / You're gone for good

So there I go. I'm gone for good. To me this means I've chosen whether or not to take my weaknesses head on. I can be gone for good, as in I'm choosing to stay hidden. Not tell anyone. Repress the pain and weakness. Or I can be gone for good from being hidden. I can finally leave my hiding place and open up to the world. To someone besides myself. At this point, it's my choice.

Your mind is swollen / From months of thought without release / They've taken their toll on you / And this very moment / Of timid and fragile honesty / Is precious and rare and fleeting

Talk about a great verse. I'm at a breaking point now. Timid and fragile honesty...so precious and rare and...the window for addressing it can be very small sometimes. I'm freaking out. What do I do. Be weak. Hide my weakness. Shit.

And all you feel now / Is the scarlet in the day / And even if it's real / You can't stay...

Thing is, I really can't stay here. I either have to hide away again or I have to open up. Choices. Shit. 

At this point, I'm reminded of this line in a letter within a book:

"Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed." -James 5:16a

I don't know the surrounding context of this line. I don't know all the implications. I don't know what exactly the therefore is drawing from. But I'm struck with the idea that healing involves community. The choice now becomes whether or not to enter into community with each conscious awareness of vulnerability. I'm starting to see that the feelings of vulnerability as experienced within a healthy community can lead to the antonyms of the word - strong, protected, safe. Perhaps they can even happen side by side, feeling safe in my weakness. But most certainly not alone.

One last quote to top this off, from the article I linked above:

"By recognizing the symptoms and signs of being in fight or flight, we can begin to take steps to handle the stress overload. There are benefits to being in fight or flight—even when the threat is only psychological rather than physical. For example, in times of emotional jeopardy, the fight or flight response can sharpen our mental acuity, thereby helping us deal decisively with issues, moving us to action. But it can also make us hypervigilant and over-reactive during times when a state of calm awareness is more productive. By learning to recognize the signals of fight or flight activation, we can avoid reacting excessively to events and fears that are not life threatening. In so doing, we can play "emotional judo" with our fight or flight response, "using" its energy to help us rather than harm us. We can borrow the beneficial effects (heightened awareness, mental acuity and the ability to tolerate excess pain) in order to change our emotional environment and deal productively with our fears, thoughts and potential dangers." 

Enough said. It's time to play emotional judo. Woooooooooooo. 

[Insert super deep quote here] (But really, tells self to get off my butt and start opening up) Weak is the new tough.

Landslide, Ice Cream, and Change

I'm so humbled to be a part of Baylor's Cross Cultural Ministry where they emphasize religious literacy and cultural humility in our changing world. What a swell group of people to learn from and be challenged by! After meeting some new friends who are Chinese at our gathering yesterday, I was reminded of a friend from my undergraduate university, a Chinese student who chose his English name as "Icecream." Icecream is audacious, humorous, and perhaps very wise.

About a year ago, I was at a dinner with Icecream. I remember it like a fog, where only the immediate lines on the road mark the way. I was in a very different place in life then than I am now. At that dinner, Icecream interpreted my vaguely-explained inner turmoil as so:

"I feel your brain is like Google maps. My brain is like Snapchat."

Regardless of what this could mean, it was quite an accurate snapshot of my situation at the time. I remember laughing and being grateful to laugh in that moment. A white line. And he was so right. My brain was not only Google maps, but a highly dysfunctional version that hadn't processed all the detours of reality, nor the consequential traffic of my most recent actions, nor the new roads being built.

I am appreciative of his candid Snapchat brain, even to this day, as it serves as still another white line guiding me along. Because through recalling that conversation, I have been able to re-enter that time in my past and begin to actively process all that had happened. 'Tis a slow journey, indeed.

I'm not afraid to plow through my past. At least, that's what I keep telling myself. But this Stevie Nicks lyric keeps bursting through my soul:

"Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you"

Great song. I love the Robyn Sherwell version in the video. Every time I hear "Well, I've been afraid of changing, 'cause I've built my life around you," I keep asking myself, "What have I built my life around??" Maybe I have been afraid to approach my past because it requires humility and...letting go. So much letting go. So much grace upon myself. It's easy to just keep putting it off. I'm not afraid. The road is long.

What have I built my life around? Pleasing others? Selective ignorance? Worry? Pizza? But really, this question keeps pulling and tugging at me. What have I built my life around? A low self-esteem? Passive-aggressive behavior? Music? My eye-sight? My five senses? My family? My dreams of a perfect whatever? Bitterness? Money? Religious exclusivity? Secrets? What is holding me back from changing?

This question comes at a timely season of life. This year is my first year to consciously observe the Christian calendar, and right now we are in the season of Lent. Lent means spring or springtime. A season of new growth. Last year, this season of spring was frozen over. Any seedlings of my heart were shocked into extended hibernation. This year, this spring, is a season of redeeming last spring.

Lent - a time to reflect. There is repentance in the waters of my soul yet.

Why does it matter that I process my past? Honestly, I'd rather not carry with me unnecessary baggage. I want to process it so I can learn from it and change. So much has already changed since last spring. Yet there are many miles to go before I sleep, and I don't want to remain stagnant in this journey. I'm reminded of another thing Icecream said a year ago:

"Life is like ice cream. If you wait too long it melts."

Amen, brother. I don't want my life to melt without having been consumed by the other lives around me. I want to be enjoyed, be useful. I want to grow. I don't want to wait to start. Cross cultural ministry humbles me, and challenges me to see people outside my own cultural framework. Counseling helps me see myself in a way I simply cannot on my own. People. People show me how to love better, inspire me to work harder, serve as white lines along the way. As the sun rises on my fog, I am filled with gratitude for the man ways God has been guiding me along my journey of healing, many of which I never saw.

Oh spring. That I could but bottle you up and carry you with me all year round. But needn't I summer, winter, fall...to love you at all? So spring, run your course, and as you course through my veins, may you sustain me till we meet again. 

What have you built your life around? What's causing you to fear change? What are you going to do about it?

"As sure as the sun will rise and chase away the night...his mercy will not end." -Ellie Holcomb, As Sure As the Sun

Simple Soul Speak

I'd like to write today's blog in conjunction with Kevin Garrett's song "Refuse."

As a whole, I prefer letting photos do most of the talking these days. I'm realizing more and more how I am being shaped as a human. We were made to change. While words can serve as markers for growth, photos can too, in their own special way. I'm a highly visual person, and while I thoroughly enjoy (and am constantly) writing, I'm also constantly envisioning my words and my ideas.

I'm pairing my photos today with the song "Refuse" because it is a beautiful song that speaks to part of where I am now, in my soul. Listen to it! (Link below)

"I'm okay alone. It makes my soul stir."

"Under microscopes, keep my head in the dirt."

"Slow crash, stumble over nothing on my own path"

"Runaway, I'm just a nomad"

"No one ever wanted me to go back"

"I know I am anything but uncouth"

"People try and change me since my youth..."

"But I refuse."

"Far away from home, forgot my address"

"Mind is still on loan...keeps me prepossessed."

"Slow crash, stumble over nothing on my own path. Runaway, I'm just a nomad. No one ever wanted me to go back. I know I am anything but uncouth. People try and change me since my youth. But I refuse."

Press play and thanks for checking out yet another of my "naturalist" soul refreshing adventures. 

Peace, and be a hobbit.