Soul Fight or Flight: Vulnerability

I can pretend to be strong, but I can also embrace my weakness. Sometimes. Below is an online dictionary's definition of "fight-or-flight reaction":

fight-or-flight response. Dictionary.com. Dictionary.com Unabridged. Random House, Inc. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/fight-or-flight-response (accessed: February 24, 2016). 


Such a reaction is intrinsic in humans for survival. Today, however, this intrinsic reaction translates differently, as our world is no longer threatening us with the same things (i.e. saber tooth tigers back then vs. arguments today, mentioned in link below). I've been recently wanting to apply this term to my inner world, to the survival of my psyche. (Oooo, so spiritual....*wiggles fingers like magic*). But on a serious note, I'm not the first to do so. A quick Google search led me here, to this page on one person's view of the "fight-or-flight response." This quote stuck out to me the most:

"In most cases today, once our fight or flight response is activated, we cannot flee. We cannot fight. We cannot physically run from our perceived threats. When we are faced with modern day, saber tooth tigers, we have to sit in our office and "control ourselves." We have to sit in traffic and "deal with it." We have to wait until the bank opens to "handle" the bounced check. In short, many of the major stresses today trigger the full activation of our fight or flight response, causing us to become aggressive, hypervigilant and over-reactive."

As I'm trying to work this out in my brain, and as I parallel all of this to my "soul," it seems to be all the same and connected. When my inner world feels threatened, my soul prepares itself to fight or flee. Really though, I've been fighting to flee. Vulnerability. Let's pop in more to read, this time synonyms of vulnerable:

vulnerable. Thesaurus.com. Roget's 21st Century Thesaurus, Third Edition. Philip Lief Group 2009.http://www.thesaurus.com/browse/vulnerable (accessed: February 24, 2016).

BOOM. Exposed, unsafe, weak, susceptible, naked, tender, out on a limb, unguarded, wide open. Feel that shiver down your spine? Yeah, me too. When I am feeling vulnerable or when I am at a crossroads and choosing vulnerability is one of the options, I run the opposite direction faster than light. I'm a runner. I don't even know what it's like to fight through vulnerability, or if that's even the better option, or whatever. I just flee. Bye Felicia on that shit.

So here I am blogging about it. Because I know I'm not alone. And I know I can't run forever. To put how I feel into other words, this song may help do the trick:

Scarlet by Brooke Fraser (It was interesting to look up other people's ideas of song meanings. Whether or not there is an explicitly laid out song meaning, here is mine):

Middle of nowhere / Finally you can breathe / Nobody knows your name / It's easier

This is one of the best feelings of running away. When I'm far, I can breathe and remain unknown. And yes, it's quite easier. So easy to run.

Shut your eyes tightly / Clench your fists 'til they almost bleed / Cautiously, lightly / Gently expose what's underneath

But even when I'm far away and in hiding, I'm still not free from my vulnerability. It follows me, never letting go until I give it attention. I get angry at the feelings of vulnerability. I fight. Clench my fists. Yet it does not remain hidden to me.

And all you feel now / Is the scarlet in the day / Even if it's real / You can't stay...

For me, at this moment, the scarlet in the day is the truth of pain. The truth that I can't stay the same as I always have been, at least in the sense that I don't want to. And so, even if this scarlet feeling of vulnerability is real, I can't stay here. I have to move out of it.

[Chorus] So there you go / You're gone for good/ There you go / You're gone for good

So there I go. I'm gone for good. To me this means I've chosen whether or not to take my weaknesses head on. I can be gone for good, as in I'm choosing to stay hidden. Not tell anyone. Repress the pain and weakness. Or I can be gone for good from being hidden. I can finally leave my hiding place and open up to the world. To someone besides myself. At this point, it's my choice.

Your mind is swollen / From months of thought without release / They've taken their toll on you / And this very moment / Of timid and fragile honesty / Is precious and rare and fleeting

Talk about a great verse. I'm at a breaking point now. Timid and fragile honesty...so precious and rare and...the window for addressing it can be very small sometimes. I'm freaking out. What do I do. Be weak. Hide my weakness. Shit.

And all you feel now / Is the scarlet in the day / And even if it's real / You can't stay...

Thing is, I really can't stay here. I either have to hide away again or I have to open up. Choices. Shit. 

At this point, I'm reminded of this line in a letter within a book:

"Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed." -James 5:16a

I don't know the surrounding context of this line. I don't know all the implications. I don't know what exactly the therefore is drawing from. But I'm struck with the idea that healing involves community. The choice now becomes whether or not to enter into community with each conscious awareness of vulnerability. I'm starting to see that the feelings of vulnerability as experienced within a healthy community can lead to the antonyms of the word - strong, protected, safe. Perhaps they can even happen side by side, feeling safe in my weakness. But most certainly not alone.

One last quote to top this off, from the article I linked above:

"By recognizing the symptoms and signs of being in fight or flight, we can begin to take steps to handle the stress overload. There are benefits to being in fight or flight—even when the threat is only psychological rather than physical. For example, in times of emotional jeopardy, the fight or flight response can sharpen our mental acuity, thereby helping us deal decisively with issues, moving us to action. But it can also make us hypervigilant and over-reactive during times when a state of calm awareness is more productive. By learning to recognize the signals of fight or flight activation, we can avoid reacting excessively to events and fears that are not life threatening. In so doing, we can play "emotional judo" with our fight or flight response, "using" its energy to help us rather than harm us. We can borrow the beneficial effects (heightened awareness, mental acuity and the ability to tolerate excess pain) in order to change our emotional environment and deal productively with our fears, thoughts and potential dangers." 

Enough said. It's time to play emotional judo. Woooooooooooo. 

[Insert super deep quote here] (But really, tells self to get off my butt and start opening up) Weak is the new tough.