Landslide, Ice Cream, and Change

I'm so humbled to be a part of Baylor's Cross Cultural Ministry where they emphasize religious literacy and cultural humility in our changing world. What a swell group of people to learn from and be challenged by! After meeting some new friends who are Chinese at our gathering yesterday, I was reminded of a friend from my undergraduate university, a Chinese student who chose his English name as "Icecream." Icecream is audacious, humorous, and perhaps very wise.

About a year ago, I was at a dinner with Icecream. I remember it like a fog, where only the immediate lines on the road mark the way. I was in a very different place in life then than I am now. At that dinner, Icecream interpreted my vaguely-explained inner turmoil as so:

"I feel your brain is like Google maps. My brain is like Snapchat."

Regardless of what this could mean, it was quite an accurate snapshot of my situation at the time. I remember laughing and being grateful to laugh in that moment. A white line. And he was so right. My brain was not only Google maps, but a highly dysfunctional version that hadn't processed all the detours of reality, nor the consequential traffic of my most recent actions, nor the new roads being built.

I am appreciative of his candid Snapchat brain, even to this day, as it serves as still another white line guiding me along. Because through recalling that conversation, I have been able to re-enter that time in my past and begin to actively process all that had happened. 'Tis a slow journey, indeed.

I'm not afraid to plow through my past. At least, that's what I keep telling myself. But this Stevie Nicks lyric keeps bursting through my soul:

"Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you"

Great song. I love the Robyn Sherwell version in the video. Every time I hear "Well, I've been afraid of changing, 'cause I've built my life around you," I keep asking myself, "What have I built my life around??" Maybe I have been afraid to approach my past because it requires humility and...letting go. So much letting go. So much grace upon myself. It's easy to just keep putting it off. I'm not afraid. The road is long.

What have I built my life around? Pleasing others? Selective ignorance? Worry? Pizza? But really, this question keeps pulling and tugging at me. What have I built my life around? A low self-esteem? Passive-aggressive behavior? Music? My eye-sight? My five senses? My family? My dreams of a perfect whatever? Bitterness? Money? Religious exclusivity? Secrets? What is holding me back from changing?

This question comes at a timely season of life. This year is my first year to consciously observe the Christian calendar, and right now we are in the season of Lent. Lent means spring or springtime. A season of new growth. Last year, this season of spring was frozen over. Any seedlings of my heart were shocked into extended hibernation. This year, this spring, is a season of redeeming last spring.

Lent - a time to reflect. There is repentance in the waters of my soul yet.

Why does it matter that I process my past? Honestly, I'd rather not carry with me unnecessary baggage. I want to process it so I can learn from it and change. So much has already changed since last spring. Yet there are many miles to go before I sleep, and I don't want to remain stagnant in this journey. I'm reminded of another thing Icecream said a year ago:

"Life is like ice cream. If you wait too long it melts."

Amen, brother. I don't want my life to melt without having been consumed by the other lives around me. I want to be enjoyed, be useful. I want to grow. I don't want to wait to start. Cross cultural ministry humbles me, and challenges me to see people outside my own cultural framework. Counseling helps me see myself in a way I simply cannot on my own. People. People show me how to love better, inspire me to work harder, serve as white lines along the way. As the sun rises on my fog, I am filled with gratitude for the man ways God has been guiding me along my journey of healing, many of which I never saw.

Oh spring. That I could but bottle you up and carry you with me all year round. But needn't I summer, winter, fall...to love you at all? So spring, run your course, and as you course through my veins, may you sustain me till we meet again. 

What have you built your life around? What's causing you to fear change? What are you going to do about it?

"As sure as the sun will rise and chase away the night...his mercy will not end." -Ellie Holcomb, As Sure As the Sun